


Finding Me, Finding You

by swordfaery



Category: Rusty Quill Gaming (Podcast)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Bad Parenting, Gen, M/M, Neglectful Parents, but he is 13 at the begining of this, im so sorry, the boys are idiots but whats new, zolf has no beard
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-09
Updated: 2020-09-09
Packaged: 2021-03-07 01:00:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 24,667
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26378443
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/swordfaery/pseuds/swordfaery
Summary: Growing up queer isn't always easy, especially when you have a crush on your best friend, date your best friend, or break up with your best friend.
Relationships: Azu/Celiquilliton "Cel" Sidebottom, Grizzop drik Acht Amsterdam & Zolf Smith, Hamid Saleh Haroun al-Tahan & Azu, Hamid Saleh Haroun al-Tahan & Zolf Smith, Hamid Saleh Haroun al-Tahan/Zolf Smith, Sasha Racket & Zolf Smith
Comments: 12
Kudos: 25
Collections: Rusty Quill Big Bang 2020





	1. One

**Hamid**

It’s a stupid way to realise that he’s in love. 

It’s a stupid way to realise he likes men! But then again, the fact that despite all the clues presented to him, Hamid still thought he was straight, perhaps he deserved a stupid bi awakening. 

It happens while he’s taking a quiz to find out which member of My Chemical Romance he is, of all things. He’s filling in the questions, trying to get Frank, when he’s faced with the question "are you in love?" He clicks yes, thinking about Zolf, and is about to move on, when he realises that he hadn’t been aware of that fact until this very moment.

Or perhaps he had been. It’s hard to tell when he thinks back over the last year and how close he had grown to Zolf. How he felt when Zolf looked at him and his eyes softened, how much it meant when Zolf told him he valued his opinion, or how he almost melted when Zolf hugged him. He was aware of these things, so really it shouldn't be too surprising that he was in love with Zolf. 

He was in love with Zolf. He is in love with Zolf. Oh, dear god, this really is not what Hamid needed right now. Is he gay? Had his father been right, had his eyeliner made him gay? Oh no, he thinks, this is bad. He needs to stop this immediately- he still mostly likes girls, he's sure of that at least. Unfortunately, when he tries to think of a girl in his year he likes, there is no one. No one, except Zolf.

Hamid chews his lip, trying to organise his thoughts so he can process them better. He’s always been different: he’s part of the only Egyptian family in a particularly rich (and therefore white) area of Surrey… but this whole gay thing is something completely new and unexplored. It makes sense, he supposes, thinking about the way he thought about boys- and girls, he’s sure he likes girls (what does that make him? Does he seriously need to do another quiz?), and thinking about the way he watches Captain America films, it makes sense.

He goes to google for help because google knows everything, and after an hour of youtube videos and essays on the subject he diagnoses himself with bisexual. It feels… not exactly good, but more comfortable now he has a label on it. He, Hamid Saleh Haroun Al Tahan is bisexual, and he can never tell anyone about it ever. 

Unfortunately, Zolf is someone, and therefore can never know, and Hamid has to keep this secret from him. The idea is foreign and horrible, and he rejects it instantly. In fact, the idea of not texting him to say that he's bisexual feels stranger than the concept of being bisexual in itself. Zolf is like an extension of himself, a person he genuinely can't see himself being without.

He trusts Zolf, though. Of course he trusts Zolf. He knows that Zolf is a good person. Zolf is a good person, so of course he won’t care if Hamid is bisexual. Which he is, and frankly, if Zolf can't accept that, he's not worth loving! 

There's a difference between knowing this in theory and putting it into practice, though. 

Hamid isn't brave, he knows this. Every time his parents get cross he cries, he never stood up for himself when he was friends with Gideon and Liliana, he screams everytime he sees a spider. He knows that Aziza is the brave one, the one who tells their parents what she wants and then does just that- and Hamid will never be like her. 

His parents have made that pretty clear. 

Out of all his siblings, Aziza is the one he is not to be like. Hamid heard the hushed conversations about her bad influence, and how perhaps she should have been sent to a boarding school. Hamid is glad she wasn’t, because otherwise he would be the fuck-up of the family, and he couldn’t cope with that.   
Aziza is rebellious and brave, she’s artistic and emotional and fun. She sings as she walks around the otherwise silent house, and keeps her chin up when her parents glare at her and won’t let her eat with them. If Hamid ever told his parents he was bisexual, Aziza’s crimes would be forgotten.   
Hamid can never tell his parents. This knowledge sits in his chest, and he thinks about how angry his parents get at the prospect of their public image being destroyed, about how his mother cried when Saleh considered going to a university in London, instead of the well respected Cambridge, about how his father started throwing furniture when Saira got caught staying out a few hours later than she was supposed to. 

Hamid is expected to be a certain person, the person Saleh is becoming, the person that Saira is becoming, the person that Aziza is adamantly not becoming. 

It’s an expectation that has never felt this heavy before. An expectation he doubts anyone will ever understand. His siblings are so far away, so wrapped up in their own lives he doesn’t talk to them much anymore, and his friends don’t get it either.

He has five siblings- Saleh the clever, Aziza the rebellious, Saira the competent, and finally Ishaq and Ismail the twins, the babies, the ones who we’re sure will grow up to be great men. 

And then there’s Hamid. Hamid, who was the baby until four years ago when the twins were born, who is clever, but not like Saleh, who is competent, but not like Saira. He’s the angsty one, the teen who’s going through his emo phase, rebellious like Aziza- but rebelling in a way that his parents find comfortable, that fits within their idea of him. He’s still like Aziza though, which means at some point, however hard he tries, he won’t be able to keep his parents loving him. 

Identity is hard in big families. Identity is hard when your family is made up of the only Egyptian people you know. Identity is hard when you realise you’re bisexual and there is no one in your family who you can talk to about it. 

Maybe that’s why, even though it's scary, even though it’s the last thing he wants to do, Hamid decides to tell Zolf. Maybe it doesn’t matter so much that no one knows all of him, when each of the people he loves most understands a little bit of him.

**Zolf**

Zolf lies back on his bed, doing his best to focus on whatever Gerard Way is angry about now. It’s boring and miserable music, but Zolf is trying, because Hamid is emo now, and Zolf loves him and is too scared to let there be more parts of Hamid he cannot understand.

Especially when there’s so much about him that Hamid will never get, like the leg thing, the poor thing… the gay thing. 

But he’s not going to dwell on that today, especially not now because Dandelion is headbutting his leg because she wants to be cuddled and stroked. She prefers Feryn, but he’s rugby so Zolf is the next best thing. Dandelion is a tiny ball of fluff who adores Feryn, tolerates Zolf and hisses if anyone else even looks at her. Zolf scritches behind her ears, and even though she doesn’t climb on his face like she would if he were Feryn, she still purrs happily at him.   
One of the greatest things about cats was what Zolf never had to worry that their love was conditional. He is mostly sure that if he did come out to Feryn, his brother wouldn’t care, but he knows for a fact Dandelion doesn’t even know what homophobia is. Dandelion might even be gay herself, cats can be lesbians. 

Zolf has actually never thought about whether or not cats can fall in love before, and decides he doesn’t much care. He is far too wrapped up in his own love affair, or at least the love that occurs inside his head where he holds hands with Hamid everyday and they send each other clips of books and songs that remind them of the other. 

Zolf likes being in love, which was never something he expected. He likes the purpose it gives him, the way he always has someone to think about, the secret he keeps with himself. 

Also, it's exciting. Zolf has never felt this sort of affection for anyone else before, but the idea of not being in love with Hamid is laughable to him. Hamid is pretty, he cares about things so much, things other people don’t even think to care about. He doesn’t realise he’s muttering these things aloud until Dandelion looks up at him, looking about as quizzical as its possible for a cat to be. 

“Dandelion, I’m in love.” he says, and it sounds stupid saying it out loud. He wonders how it would feel to tell other people about it, to tell Feryn or Sasha or eventually Hamid. Telling Hamid in his fantasies involves flowers and confessions that seem straight out of a romance novel. 

In romance novels, sappy heroines write long passages in their diaries about the fairly average men they love, and wish on dandelion clocks that the men will love them back. Their love confessions always come after pages and pages of yearning, and end in long kissing scenes that Zolf tends to skip. The women then tell their friends all about how then “love him, but…” and then men go off and buy a ring. 

Zolf knows this because after the accident, when he was first recovering and getting used to his prosthetic, he spent most of his time reading those sorts of sappy novels. Sure, the characters were stupid and the plot was far fetched and mostly based on miscommunication but, they were also cute and soft and ended happily. When you’re eleven and learning to walk again a guaranteed happy ending goes a long way, as does the idea of being loved through any amount of disasters. 

Maybe that's why he’s like this- too many romance novels. Perhaps he should reread “Passions Of The Sun,” see if Harrison Campbell has any advice for what to do when you’re madly in love with a pretty boy who is unfortunately straight. Or he could ask Feryn, but that would require coming out and Zolf has no idea how to do that. 

The door bangs, and Dandelion shoots off Zolf's lap before he can even think about using her to wish on instead of the actual plant. Feryn is back.   
Zolf gets and heads across the corridor to greet him, although with a quarter of the leg power Dandelion has, he moves far slower. He laughs to himself as Dandelions paws skid on the wooden floor and she launches herself at Feryn, who begins cooing over her.

Feryn’s covered sweat, and his blond curls are plastered to his forehead, but Dandelion still climbs him and curls around his shoulders,a sort of living scarf. For a minute or so, without realising that Zolf is watching, Feryn pretends that he’s being attacked by an evil alien. The scene involves Feryn flailing dramatically to the ground and ruffling Dandelion’s fur, while she grips him with her claws. By some miracle, neither of them are injured, and Zolf has something new to tease his perfect older brother about. 

“How was training?” he asks Feryn, smirking at his brother who is still lying on the ground. Feryn gently moves Dandelion so his mouth is no longer obstructed. 

“Pretty good, me and Keystone are apparently not allowed to be on the same team anymore, we’re too good together.” He gives a dopey smile, the sort of smile he gives out millions of times a day, because Feryn is just that happy. He gets to his feet slowly, so Dandelion is secure, and then picks up his kitbag to put his dirty clothes in the wash. 

His back is to Zolf which is maybe what makes it easier, or maybe its because he was just thinking about it; but whatever the reason Zolf decides that now is the perfect time to come out to Feryn. It’s a stupid idea, he hasn’t planned what he’s going to say, and although Feryn is the nicest older brother in the world, this is still a big deal. Zolf tells him anyway. 

“Feryn I’m gay.” 

The words hang in the air for a second, then Feryn drops his kit and turns and hugs Zolf. He’s a lot taller than Zolf is, and so Zolf’s face is basically in his armpit which isn’t the most fragrant of places, but he doesn’t care. 

“Thanks for telling me,” he says. Zolf wasn’t sure exactly what reaction he wanted from Feryn, but this feels right.

“S’okay, I just, don’t tell mum ‘n’ dad yet,” Zolf pulls away, and Feryn smiles at him. Stupid sunshine brothers who never stop smiling. “I don’t, yeah, I just, don’t want them to know yet.” 

Feryn ruffles his hair, like Zolf is still a little kid, “Don’t worry about it, bros before hoes.”

Zolf has a moment of absolute, abject, disgust. “Feryn… no.” he says, and Feryn giggles to himself like the wanker he is. “No, Feryn, that's not what that means, don’t ever say that again!” 

Feryn looks pleased with himself, although there’s a tail obscuring much of his face, so it's hard to be sure really. “I won’t tell them, but Zolf?”   
“Yup.”

“Dad’s favourite film is Pride. Mum reads Pink News. You don’t have to worry about their reactions.”

There’s a difference between knowing this and actually being able to tell his parents, but it's still a comforting thing for Feryn to say. The right thing for Feryn to say.

“I’m making biscuits later, want to help?” Feryn asks, as he bundles his clothes into the washing machine. 

Zolf does not. He likes real cooking, with real food, not the baking Feryn does. “No thanks, but Feryn?”

“Yeah?”

“Make something nice, alright.” 

It’s a normal conversation, the sort of normal conversation Zolf usually has with his brother. Except this time it's different, because Feryn knows and he doesn’t care- or no he does care, but only in the way that he cares about Zolf. Zolf can hear him singing to himself in the shower now and Dandelion is mewling along, because Feryn’s that weirdo who takes the cat into the bathroom with him, and everything is the same. 

Then his phone rings, and everything is not.   
Hamid is crying on the other end of the phone, which isn’t exactly unusual because Hamid cries all the time- it’s something Zolf admires in him, how open he can be with his emotions, but it does make it hard to understand what he’s saying.

Telling Hamid to calm down would be akin to kicking him, but Zolf has no idea how else to get Hamid to slow down and speak clearly, so he says nothing. Instead he waits for Hamid’s sobs to turn into whimpers, and asks him what's wrong. It is no secret that Zolf isn’t good with people. 

“Zolf, you have to promise not to hate me, you have to promise, okay?” 

Zolf doesn’t bother telling Hamid there is nothing that he could ever do to make Zolf hate him. “Okay, I promise.”   
Then Hamid tells him. It’s so ridiculous that Zolf almost starts laughing, because Hamid, beautiful stupid Hamid thinks that Zolf could hate him for being bisexual. It’s funny, he thinks, that he’s going to come out to two of the people he cares about most on the same day, but it makes him feel happy in a way he cannot explain. 

“Hamid, I’m gay.” 

**Hamid**

Being thirteen means that being in love becomes your personality. It encompasses you, and leaves you with no room for anything else- all of Hamid's thoughts lead to Zolf, every conversation he has ends up about Zolf; sometimes it feels like he's more Zolf than himself, a homage to a boy he loves.  
It sounds stupid, Hamid knows this, but he’s too busy being in love to care.

And now, they have this is common, the queer thing. It’s huge and scary, but Zolf knowing makes everything easier. Sometimes, Hamid thinks Zolf is the only person who he can talk to. He's strong, and dependable, and won't take any nonsense. He's there whenever Hamid needs him, and makes Hamid feel more himself. It's strange Hamid didn't fall in love with him sooner. Or maybe he did- he can't pinpoint the exact moment it happened, it feels as natural as anything else about him. 

The idea of telling Zolf how he feels about him is scary in a way Hamid can't put into words. He spends hours watching people confess their love to each other in bad gay films, the sort where the plot is “two skinny white men spend ages having sex with various people and eventually falling in love before one or both of them dies.” None of that applies to him, or feels even remotely like his experience, but it's the closest he can find. 

He stops watching them when they start making him feel more lonely. Instead he turns back to his music, and he applies his eyeliner in thicker swathes. He wears only black, listens to My Chemical Romance on repeat, and thinks about how tragic his life will be. 

Spending all night listening to Gerard Way scream in his ears or watching two men be sad on screen is having an impact on his grades though, and suddenly Hamid has gone from a straight A student to a bisexual C student, and it is terryfying. He falls asleep in class one day, on Zolf’s shoulder, and even though no one except Zolf notices, Hamid decides he cannot touch Zolf anymore. If he touches Zolf, either Zolf will realise that Hamid is in love with him, or everyone will realise that Hamid is bisexual and both of those outcomes would be disasterous. 

One day he doesn’t put eyeliner on. He tells himself its because he overslept, but then he doesn’t put it on again the next day and the next, and has to admit that maybe its because he doesn’t want to be called gay. He has the same problem with hugging his friends. Being overly affectionate is something that he is sure gay people do, and so he must do the opposite to be stealthy. 

Azu notices something wrong, because she’s his best friend apart from Zolf, but Hamid is too scared to tell her what’s bothering him.   
He wants to talk to her about it, because Azu would know how to help, but he doesn't because that would mean telling her that he's not straight and he isn't ready for that conversation yet. It's driving something between them, him not telling her, but he's too scared he'll lose her completely if he does. Azu is kind and believes in love, and maybe Hamid is doing her a disservice by not trusting her with this part of himself- but sometimes he feels so fragile, and so terrified of disappointing her, so he keeps his mouth shut.

When she’s telling him something at lunch he’s only half listening though, because he’s so focused on making sure his and Zolf’s knees don’t brush against each other. He nods and smiles at all the right moments- at least he hopes so- and he is pretty sure he agrees to something, but as much as he loves Azu, she is not a priority right now.

On Friday, even though Hamid is supposed to be getting snacks with Sasha, Zolf asks him if he wants to go and do homework with him in the music room. It’s technically against school rules, but no one will care, and Hamid does not want to miss out on spending time with Zolf.   
So he goes. 

It’s awkward- which is weird, Hamid and Zolf are never awkward, but it feels to Hamid like Zolf wants to say something all evening, but just doesn’t manage it. When Hamid is working through his French homework, Zolf lets his ankle lean against Hamid’s for a second, and this tiny point of contact makes Hamid’s heartbeat speed up, and his pen jerks across the page leaving a horrible inky line.   
He rips out the page to start again, because really he can’t be expected to hand in work that isn’t neat, and Zolf looks up at him and smiles. It’s unclear what exactly made him smile, but it might be fondness, and although he doesn’t dare hope anything, Hamid smiles back.   
“I actually, uh- I actually wanted to talk to you about something?” Zolf looks nervous, far more nervous than Hamid has ever seen him, and a feeling akin to what Hamid assumes being stabbed in the chest is like wells up in him. 

“What did you want to ask me, Zolf?” he asks, and he feels as though he already knows, but it is far too presumptuous to even think of that so he keeps quiet. 

“I wondered-” Zolf swallows. “I just, I mean I was thinking,” 

Hamid nods. He is sure Zolf can hear his heartbeat- and although he shouldn’t, Hamid hopes, Hamid lets himself hope, that Zolf is about to ask him out.   
It’s still a shock when he does.


	2. two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter we have some wonderful art drawn by Brinnanza, who is Brinnanza on every social media you might think of

**Hamid**

If it is terrifying to be in love, it is even more terrifying knowing that someone likes you back. Hamid knows Zolf likes him, Zolf said he liked him, but Hamid has no way of knowing how much. Loving someone in the way Hamid thinks he loves Zolf is something he can never tell anyone because it feels too intense, too personal; yet not telling anyone feels wrong, feels stifling, his emotions are so much of him that not telling people about them means not being him. 

He cannot touch Zolf, still. Before it was the fear of Zolf finding out, it was the idea that touching Zolf would mean he would know and he would hate, it was that he was terrified he might not be able to stop touching him. Now it is something that he is sure is meant to happen, but he doesn't know how.  
Plus, Hamid is sure that if anyone saw them even hug they would just know. 

He speaks to Zolf even less now, which hurts even more. They text, every night Hamid goes to sleep on his phone talking to Zolf about something, telling Zolf about something. They skirt around the subject of liking each other, because that's what it means to be thirteen, it means experiencing every emotion to ever exist and being unable to articulate any of them. 

They can't seem to speak in person anymore though, and Hamid cannot stand it. They still spend time together, their friend group doesn't allow for them not to, but they keep to opposite sides of lunch tables and never speak directly to each other. Hamid will laugh at something Zolf says, but lets Sasha attempt to continue the joke so no one thinks he seems oddly close with Zolf. It is hard, not being able to sit next to Zolf, being worried to even touch Zolf, but at least Hamid knows Zolf likes him.

When they are alone it's the same though. 

Before, Zolf would sit as close as he could to Hamid, even when it wasn’t necessary, and as awkward as he was he would be, they still acted more like a couple when they do now. They don’t touch, or talk about the fact that they’re supposed to be boyfriends, and all conversation is stilted and skirting around the top that they’re both too afraid to talk about. Hamid misses Zolf, even though he sees him every day. Hamid misses how things were before.  
His parents think something is wrong. Over supper one night, when he doesn’t finish his mulukhyia stew, they follow him up to his bedroom to try and talk. They say he seems sad, they say it doesn’t look good. They say he normally eats twice that, and is he ill? 

They could never understand, and Hamid is furious with them because of that. It's not their fault, but they're talking about how his grades have dropped and how this version of their son isn't him. Sometimes in life you have to laugh or you cry, and sometimes you have to do neither and just look at your parents blankly. They know nothing about him. They can never know anything about him. 

Later that evening he lies on his bed listening to music, because maybe it's the only thing that understands him, or maybe it's the only thing that doesn't demand anything from him, and he waits for Zolf to text him back and hates himself for being a stereotype. In films a teenage girl will spend hours obsessing over why her boyfriend won’t text her back, and Azu always complains that it isn't healthy, that people have lives outside their relationships and it paints girls as needlessly needy and clingy. Hamid distracts himself by having a look through the lgbt section on netflix. It’s full of bad looking romance, like the sort of books Zolf reads, and Hamid decides to watch one if Zolf doesn’t text him back tomorrow.

Zolf doesn't text him back that night, and Hamid wants more than anything to text Azu but any way he tries to phrase it sounds wrong and stiff, so he doesn't. So instead he thinks about Bertie, about that summer from when they were five and how it didn't seem weird then but maybe it does now with what he knows about himself. 

Bertie was his best friend when he was five and had been sent to spend the summer in England while his parents dealt with some bank situations he didn’t understand. Bertie was posh and stupid, even at five years old, and yet for some reason he and Hamid got on well. They played weddings, and dressed up in smart clothes, while Bertie’s parents cooed over how cute they looked and took photos. At the time Hamid didn’t realise it was gay. Now, looking back, he wonders if Bertie was the first person he had a crush on. 

He wonders if Bertie is having these sorts of realisations as well.

He's not. Hamid won't find this out for another few years of course, but Bertie never presumed he was straight. It is his only redeeming feature.  
Zolf doesn't text Hamid back the next day either, and says hello to everyone except Hamid in the morning before school. He's being careful, Hamid gets it, but why can't he be careful and hug Hamid in the mornings? It’s petty and stupid, so he says nothing, but he misses how things were before this awkward dating started.

He speaks to Azu at lunch. 

He didn’t mean to, he just started talking about how maybe it was unfair to judge clingy girlfriends so hard, and then accidentally mentioned he had a boyfriend and well. It’s hard to backtrack after that. 

He cries and she hugs him and he tells her about how much he misses Zolf and how much he loves him, and Azu just hugs him even when his mascara leaves wet black stains on her school shirt. He loves her too, he thinks, he loves her so much, and even though it is different to the way he loves Zolf, it feels just as important and just as much a part of him. 

He tells her he thinks he wants to break up with Zolf, to have things go back to how they were. She says nothing. He tells her he wants to date him, but this isn't dating. She says nothing. He tells her he doesn't want to lose Zolf, and she says "Oh Hamid," like she gets it, and they're both crying now.  
It's been two weeks since Zolf told him that he liked him, since they became what Hamid thinks should be boyfriends, but the word is foreign and not something he can say out loud, and they speak less now than before, so what are they really? People who text long passages about the book they're reading or how annoyed they are at their parents to each other and never communicate outside of that? Is there a word for that type of relationship?  
There isn’t, as it turns out, because what they have isn’t exactly a relationship. And it isn’t a relationship at all when Hamid breaks up with Zolf. 

**Zolf**

It is terrifying, the way Hamid talks about love. He treats it like something beautiful, precious and important, and that's not something Zolf can be. Zolf is doing his best, but no one will ever describe him as beautiful, and he knows that as much as Hamid claims to like him, he will disappoint Hamid in the end. 

It happens sooner than Zolf was expecting, Hamid telling him that he wanted to break up, and Zolf says “Well, thanks for telling me Hamid,” and then goes to find Sasha. 

Sasha drops down from the tree she was in and sits next to him while he cries. He doesn’t want to go back to lessons, especially not when Hamid will see him, and see he’s been crying, and she texts someone (presumably Brock) and then apparently they have the afternoon off. 

It’s not skiving per se, Sasha explains, as the teachers will be informed that they won’t be attending class. Zolf has no idea what she’s doing, but he’s crying and he doesn’t care. Sasha isn’t good with crying, but she takes him into town and buys them both fish and chips. 

They sit on the wall next to the train station, Zolf’s face is red and puffy but he’s stopped crying, and Sasha has started eating a few of his chips but he doesn’t mind. They don’t speak at first, just sit in silence watching cars go past, their fingers covered in grease from the fish and chips. 

“You alright, Boss?” says Sasha eventually, and Zolf smiles at the nickname.

“Sasha I- do you ever wonder if you’re not enough?” 

“Not enough of what? What do you think I’m not enough of, Zolf?” 

“No I meant, Sasha you’re great, no I just mean that like… Look, Hamid broke up with me.”

Sasha frowned, and then looked at him with disgust. “You went out with, Hamid? Really?” 

“Shut up.” said Zolf defensively, then “Look I didn’t tell you before but I’m going to tell you now and,” he sighs and starts again “Sasha I was going to tell you before and if you’re going to have a problem with me dating boys then we can’t be friends, I thought you were better than this but-” 

Sasha shakes her head and interrupts him with a “I don’t care if you’re gay.”

Zolf stops. “You don’t?” 

“Nah. Though I think it’s weird that you dated Hamid, you know, not the gay thing thats well great, glad for you, but like, as nice as he is, Hamid is a bit of a ponce.” She frowns. “Wait is that anti-gay? I really don’t mean-” 

Zolf laughs. He reaches over and attempts to hug Sasha, except that knocks the chips over and then Sasha tries to grab them and they fall off the wall and end up on the floor and honestly the only reason they get away relatively unscathed is that the wall is only about a foot off the ground. 

“The chips!” Sasha says, looking in dismay at the ones scattered across the ground. Then she ignores them and attempts to hug Zolf back which is very noble of her, especially as she actually paid for the chips in the first place. 

“Thanks Sasha,” Zolf says, when they’re back on the wall and he’s managed to dissuade Sasha from picking up and eating all the chips that fell on the floor. “I needed this.”

“I still can’t believe you and Hamid were dating?” she says, her words suspiciously muffled as though she is secretly eating something. Zolf let it go. “I mean, you didn’t like hold hands or nothing, and honestly I thought you were in a fight.” she shakes her head. “I will never understand romance.” 

They both laugh at this. And then Zolf wonders if that's why Hamid broke up with him, because they didn’t hold hands or act coupley? They never even kissed, although the idea of kissing seems gross, Zolf was sure that he would be able to deal with it if it was Hamid. They’d never discover that now though. 

Sasha gets up, and brushes off the back of her school skirt, “Want to go somewhere to forget him?” she asks, and Zolf does. 

They are both wearing school uniforms though, and even Sasha doesn’t have a quick work around for that, so Zolf has to go home and change, before sneaking out. He takes his wallet with him just in case, even though he has no idea where they’re going, and hopes Sasha has a plan. His parents would kill him if they knew he was skiving, but they were working and hopefully would be too busy to realise anything out of the ordinary. 

“Sasha where are we going?” he asks, when he meets her again outside the train station. She holds up two tickets, and Zolf realises that he might be home late. His parents will not be happy if they find out, but right now Zolf doesn’t really care, so he takes his ticket and gets on the train. 

It's a long journey, and he falls asleep against Sasha, the cool leather of her jacket surprisingly comfortable. She doesn’t push him off, or jolt against his touch, and when Zolf wakes up he feels safe. Even if Hamid is too good for him, he still has Sasha. 

They get off after an hour, and Zolf is still slightly grumpy from sleep, but the air is cool on his face and smells salty and fresh. Its a small comfort, but makes him feel grounded, and safe. He can see the sea as well, can’t quite hear it, but just knowing it’s there is another small comfort. Sasha leads him down a quiet road, and as the grass gets longer and the ground gets looser, the salty smell in the air grows stronger and the lapping of the waves becomes more audible. 

Sasha leads him onto a beach that's almost completely deserted, except for two people who Sasha waves at. “This is a special place,” she explains, as a seagull comes and caws rudely at them both, “but I thought you’d like to meet Grizzop and Vesseek, and that like, it would be good for you or something,” Her london accent gets slightly thicker as she says this, and she scuffs her toe in the sand, not meeting his eyes. Zolf is oddly touched. 

“Why? Who are they?” 

“Friends. I thought that uh well, Vesseek uses they them pronouns so maybe seeing another one like you, you know, would be good. An’ Grizzop isn’t straight either so…” she trails off. “They’re good friends so be nice to them.”

“I’m always nice.”

“Still.”

She leads him over to them both, and one gets up to clap her on the shoulder, the other staying lying down. They greet Sasha familiarly, as though they see her often, even though they live an hour away, and Zolf wonders if he’s intruding. He shifts about awkwardly until the one standing up addresses him directly, “wotcha.” they (is this Vesseek? He isn’t sure which is which) say, smiling at Zolf, “So this is Zolf then,” they have an accent Zolf can’t place- somewhere between Sasha’s north London and what is possibly German? He decides not to ask in case it's insensitive. 

“Yes.” says Zolf, because he can’t think of anything else to say, and Sasha grins at him. 

“This one’s Grizzop,” she says, gesturing to the one standing up, “An’ thats Vesseek.” Vesseek gives a tiny wave.

“My pronouns are they and them, if Sasha didn’t tell you,” they say, with a similar accent to Grizzop. “Good to meet you.” 

Zolf nods awkwardly. “Nice to meet you too, Sasha never mentioned you before.” He is a little surprised, as intensely personal as Sasha is, her people skills tend to err on the side of absolute honesty and oversharing as a default. Still, he supposed he never asked her if she had secret friends who lived by the sea. 

“It never came up!” says Sasha indignantly, flopping down beside Grizzop, “Anyway, I brought you here now, didn’t I?” 

She did, and Zolf slowly sits down, careful to keep his prosthetic away from the sand, and begins to talk to Vesseek and Grizzop. 

Vesseek realised they were nonbinary last year, and have largely found that people are accepting. Grizzop came out as pan ace a few months later. Apparently he has absolutely no interest in dating anyone ever, but occasionally, and most unfortunately, gets crushes. They both throw around terminology Zolf is relatively unfamiliar with, but it's not uncomfortable, and when he tells them about Hamid they listen. 

He tells them about how he feels, about how nervous he was about touching Hamid, and how he didn’t want to disappoint him but it still hurt so much when Hamid broke up with him. Grizzop tells him that they both sound useless at communicating, and even as Zolf protests he knows Grizzop is right. If he had been a better boyfriend this wouldn’t have happened.

Then Sasha and Vesseek get up to play in the sea, but Grizzop doesn’t fancy it and Zolf is worried about his prosthetic, so they stay behind. 

“You said you don’t like the idea of kissing Hamid?” Grizzop says, as soon as they are alone. Zolf nods, and says yes rather gruffly, unsure of where this is going. Grizzop doesn’t seem to notice or care. 

“Because I don’t know if that's repression or not, but it sounds like you might be ace.”  
Zolf blinks. 

“You might not be but, discovering that about yourself will make relationships easier.” 

Zolf tries to think of something to say, but stumbles over his words, and ends up saying something similar to “uh yeano”. Truthfully, he hadn’t thought about his sexuality beyond his thinking Hamid was pretty, which was perhaps a mistake. 

“How did you know?” He tries again, hoping it's not too rude of a question, but again Grizzop doesn’t care. 

“I’ll send you some resources you can look through, see if you identify with any of them.” he says, “It’ll make you feel better if it turns out you are, and won’t hurt if you find out you’re not.” 

He shrugs, and begins fiddling with a fidget cube. “Anyway, you can always text me if you want, or Vesseek although they’re terrible at texting back.”  
“They are?” Zolf is really only saying it to practice Vesseek’s pronouns, he doesn’t really care all that much, but Grizzop launches into a story about how useless Vesseek is, and it's funny and the sort of way Zolf talks about Sasha, so he’s glad he did. 

Turns out Grizzop and Sasha spent a few days in London together, a few days that were enough to make Grizzop refuse to let Sasha out of his life, and when they had both moved, she would just show up at his house when she missed him. It was a fantastic arrangement for a friendship, even though Zolf was slightly suspicious about what they were doing when they met in London, and he was glad that Sasha had this in her life. She deserved it.  
“Sasha’s great, isn’t she.” he said, absentmindedly, and Grizzop nodded furiously.

“I would die for her,” he said “she’s one of my best friends, even though she lives far away.” Grizzop looked over to where Sasha was just paddling in the sea, still wearing her boots, supposedly laughing at Vesseek who was submerged up to their neck, still wearing their clothes. “Don’t err, don’t tell her I said that.” he adds, and Zolf laughs. 

“I won’t don’t worry and uh, thanks for the advice on the asexual thing. It, I mean I don’t know yet but. I mean it might be something.” 

When they get on the train, they both smell of the sea, and Sasha still has the remnants of chocolate ice cream around her mouth. Zolf doesn’t sleep this time, but instead starts looking through the website Grizzop sent him. Asexual… he isn’t exactly sure, but the label fits him better than gay ever did.


	3. three

**Hamid**

He wasn’t sure why he expected everything to return to normal, with Zolf at least, but it doesn’t and Hamid is shocked. For the first week he manages to tell himself maybe it’s just too raw, and for the second he manages to convince himself that maybe Zolf is just taking a little longer to deal with things. 

Then, in the third week, he passes Zolf in the corridor and they don't greet each other. 

They walk past each other like people who aren’t Zolf&Hamid. Like people who never were Zolf&Hamid. And Hamid doesn’t know why. They hadn’t dated long, and barely spoke in that time, Hamid is sure it isn’t supposed to be this painful. 

Zolf has suddenly become a far away person that he cannot talk to anymore. They still spend time together because of all their friends but they never speak one on one, or to each other. 

It gets worse as the term goes on. Hamid used to be invited to Zolf’s house all the time, he would spend whole weekends there, playing with Dandelion, joking with Feryn, and just talking to Zolf. That's gone now, but the idea of being at home that much feels wrong, so he spends time with Azu and her family, getting to know her little brother Emeka. 

Azu is a fantastic listener. She doesn’t say anything or comment when he tells her about all the different things he’s feeling (sad and lonely) or laugh at him when he compares himself to lonely seagulls on the shore, and hugs him when he cries. It’s summer, so the window is open and they can hear Emeka kicking a football around with some of his friends, and Azu has put aside the revision flashcards she’s making. 

“I just can’t believe he’s being so cold towards me!” he says, lying on her bed, arms sprawled in different directions. “I just don’t get it!”

“Maybe,” says Azu thoughtfully, looking at the pile of revision they were supposed to be getting through before their summer exams, “he’s just busy revising and will phone you again when he’s done.”

Hamid shakes his head, not catching the hint, “No, it wouldn’t be that. He works hard, sure, but he has time for other things- didn’t you two go to the cinema together yesterday!” 

“We did.” Azu looked a little guilty, or perhaps that was just Hamid reading into things. 

“I can’t believe you didn’t invite me! I love the cinema!”

“Hamid, we went to see the latest Campbell adaptation. You hate Campbell and you would have hated this.You called it “melodramatic rubbish” last time I invited you.”

“Did I?” Hamid could admit that sounded like him. Also, he does hate Campbell, the books, the spin off films, and honestly everything he had ever produced. He tried reading one book, once, because Zolf said it was good and he trusted Zolf, but it was a mistake and Hamid wishes he could remove the memory of reading it from his brain. There was no base level of intellect, just lots of passionate but unfounded declarations of love, miscommunication for most of the book, and a whole lot of unnecessary ‘will they won't they’. Hamid prefers something a little more highbrow. 

“You did.” says Azu, “Anyway you said you wanted to come over and study with me, and we haven’t even got through the first set of flashcards.”

Hamid sits up, and reaches for his discarded pile of cards. “Sorry sorry, we can continue.”

Azu picks up her own pile, and smiles at him. “Who was prime minister when World War II started?”

“Chamberlin.” Hamid replies, and Azu nods so he knows he’s got it right. “Which year did World War II start?” he asks her. 

“1939.” she replies. She’s right, and he gives her a thumbs up. 

Azu asks him another question, and he answers before saying, “Do you think Zolf wants me to do some sort of romantic gesture or something?”  
Azu, who has the patience of a saint, says “I don’t think so, Hamid.” 

He drops his pile of flashcards again, and flings his arms out, “Then what does he want! I can’t read minds Azu!”

“Maybe…” Azu begins, looking doubtful even as she says it, “he’s flirting with you, you know. Playing hard to get.” 

Hamid mulls this over, before ultimately deciding that this must be the case, and delightedly flings his arms around Azu, who drops her flashcards and hugs him back. “I mean I don’t know why he would flirt like that,” he mutters into Azu’s shoulder, “but he is pretty awkward.” 

Azu murmurs something Hamid can’t quite make out, but it sounds comforting so he takes it to mean something along the lines of hang in there. 

This time, they manage ten flashcards before Hamid brings up Zolf again. If there was an exam on how Hamid felt about Zolf, Azu could probably ace it. In fact, if there was an exam on Hamid and Zolf’s relationship she could probably ace it; Hamid thought that if he just said the right thing everything would work out, but Zolf was very awkward and embarrassed so just needed some time and space and patience, none of which Hamid was very good at giving him. At least she was pretty sure, Zolf wasn’t all that open about his emotions. 

After only managing half a flashcard before Zolf was brought back up, Azu is forced to resort to desperate measures. 

“Hamid if you get twenty questions right in a row you can talk about Zolf for ten minutes.”

Hamid looks confused. “Do I talk about Zolf that much?”

“Yes! We need to get some revision done Hamid!” She realises her voice was getting loud, and lowers it, “this will give you some incentive to do well.” she adds, “now come on, who were the allied forces?” 

Hamid blushes, but finally (finally) they get some revision done. 

**Zolf**

Glaring at a page of incomprehensible numbers is not making him understand them any better, but Zolf isn’t sure what else to do. He used to revise with Hamid, who was a lot cleverer than him, and could explain stuff like this- Hamid had a private maths tutor, he could practically do quadratic equations in his sleep, but now being alone with Hamid is awkward and uncomfortable and nothing would get done. So Zolf’s on his own. 

Feryn, who’s in the middle of his GCSEs, attempts to help him, but just makes Zolf more confused, so he leaves him to it. Zolf doesn’t say so, but he is worried about how Feryn will pass his maths GCSE if he can’t explain how to put square numbers in brackets. Still, he has his own maths to worry about.   
He wishes Hamid were there. Hamid who could understand it perfectly after years of extra maths, and would explain it in a way that made sense, Hamid who used to go through his homework with him even though they were in different sets and Hamid had harder homework of his own to get on with. It was Zolf’s fault for being a bad boyfriend that he couldn’t call Hamid though, so he sucks it up and crosses out some x’s hoping for the best. 

Dandelion pads into the room, and jumps up onto his lap, and he smiles. Her tail blocks the complicated equations, and she looks up at Zolf with wide eyes as if to say “stroke me.” He does, but only because she asked so nicely, and she purrs. Life is simpler for cats, he thinks, they’re small and fluffy and cute and so people will do anything for them. Zolf is big. He’s short but beefy, and although he has a lot of hair none of it is fluffy. And he knows he’s not cute. Perhaps his life would not be easier if he was a cat, perhaps he’d be the ugly cat no one wanted that got left outside to die.

Dandelion wriggles, trying to figure out why he’s stopped the stroking, and he starts again, ignoring all thoughts about what sort of cat he’d be. Cat people like any kind of cat, no matter what they look like, and anyway he wasn’t a cat. 

Feryn comes into his room later, hair sticking up from where he’s been pulling it as he works. Zolf is sure he looks the same. “Lunch is ready, dad’s making cheese on toast if you want to come down.” Zolf does, but Dandelion has fallen asleep on his lap so he shouldn’t really move. Feryn, the ultimate cat person, understands this, but they both know that their father will still expect Zolf to be there for lunch, so they begin the process of very slowly moving Dandelion so she doesn’t wake up. 

She wakes up, because of course she does, hisses at them both, and then climbs onto Feryn’s head. This really was only to be expected, but it's still hilarious, and Zolf and Feryn are still laughing as they walk into the kitchen. Hiram, their dad, is putting cheese on toast under the grill, and laughs at them both as they walk in. 

“Zolf, cut up some cucumber, Feryn, peel some carrots.” He says, and then adds “Feryn is that really hygienic?”

They’ve had the argument countless times before, and it's a lighthearted one; Dandelion is a very small cat who fits on Feryn’s head and doesn’t shed fur all over his food. However both their parents think that there should be a rule of no cats at the table. 

It’s an argument won mostly by Dandelion who does what she wants when she wants and no one stops her. 

Zolf slices up the cucumber, and dishes it out onto three plates. For a moment he feels so blissfully part of his family that he manages not to care about Hamid. This doesn’t last long. 

“Haven’t seen Hamid round here in a while?” Hiram says, biting into his cheese on toast. “You two have a fight?”

Zolf isn’t exactly sure whether they did or didn’t. He feels the same sort of guilt he does after losing his temper with someone, but that didn’t happen this time. Just Hamid’s coldness when he told Zolf he wanted to break up. “Sort of…” He says, “We, I mean we didn’t have a fight exactly,” He isn’t sure what to say next. “We aren’t exactly talking right now.” 

“That’s a shame.” says Feryn, and although his voice is innocent, Zolf is sure he knows about everything and kicks him under the table. Feryn shoots him a hurt look, and Zolf smiles. 

“It is a shame.” Says Hiram, “I always thought he was a nice boy- far too rich for his own good, but nice enough.”

Zolf doesn’t say anything. His cheese on toast is nice, could be a little more melted, but all in all its pretty good. He has another bite, and thinks about how he might improve it if he were to make it next time, ignoring Feryn and Hiram having a silent conversation across the table. He will murder Feryn next time he is given the chance. 

“Feryn did I see you made some millionaire shortbread the other day?” their dad says, when they’re finished their cheese on toast. Feryn did make some millionaire shortbread, and as much as he wants to storm off to his room, Zolf wants some millionaire shortbread more. 

It’s sunny, so they sit outside at the table that only just fits in the garden, drinking slightly too weak tea because Feryn never leaves the bag in long enough, and eating millionaire shortbread. Zolf isn’t exactly happy, despite how lovely everything is, but he isn’t sad about Hamid either, so he counts it as a win. He still doesn’t quite manage to join in the conversation as he usually would, and focuses on his tea instead of jokes about mining. He doesn’t like mining anyway, so it's not out of character. 

Feryn still speaks to him alone, later that night. Their mum is back, and sleepy so went straight to bed, and their dad is making her a hot water bottle. The Smith siblings have locked themselves in the upstairs bathroom- the only room with a working lock, to talk. It’s something they’ve done since they were kids, and although Zolf just wants to brush his teeth and go to bed, he’s been cornered. 

“I’m worried about you.” He says it bluntly, and without smiling, so Zolf deduces that he can’t bluff his way out of this one. He probably wouldn’t be able to anyway; not great with words and finding the right ones, not great at lying to Feryn, but the option to try would have been nice. 

“You don’t need to be, I’m fine.” He says, equally bluntly, folding his arms over his chest. Feryn folds his arms, and attempts to loom over him menacingly even though there's a cat wrapped around his shoulders and he’s in his toothpaste speckled Chelsea pyjamas. “Stop trying to loom. I can’t take anyone who supports Chelsea seriously.” 

“Hey! You used to support Chelsea!” Feryn looks at him, the three year old betrayal clearly still fresh in his mind. “But that's not what we need to talk about now, Zolf it’s been at least a month if not more and you don’t seem yourself. You just sort of,” Feryn waves an arm around emphatically “do nothing! You haven’t cooked anything in weeks, you went out with your friend the other day and then came home and didn’t tell us about how great the film was, and like, there's so much other stuff that I’m worried about for you! You’re not yourself!” 

Zolf is surprised Feryn has noticed. He went to the cinema with Azu in the hope that it would make people stop worrying about him, but he can barely remember the film. He hasn’t exactly been on top form recently, and by recently he means since he asked Hamid out, but he’s just been tired, not sleeping enough, wanting to sleep more, normal teenage stuff. He tells Feryn this, and then attempts to dodge past him, even though the bathroom really isn’t big enough and Feryn plays ruby. 

“Zolf what's this about?” Feryn asks, giving Zolf the most awkward hug ever to try and stop him escaping. “Are you worried about getting your next prosthetic fitted, I know it's horrible it's always horrible but we can get through it! I’ll do your exercises with you everyday?” 

Feryn always does Zolf’s “new prosthetic exercises” with him, so this isn’t really a revelation, but Zolf honestly forgot that he needs a new one. He has grown since the last one was fitted, and it has been more uncomfortable lately, but he hasn’t really been thinking about it. He’s far more wrapped up in what he did to Hamid.

“Thanks Feryn, that's great. You’re great. Can I go to bed now?”

Feryn is clearly not convinced that the problem is solved, he’s still tense and not smiling, but some part of him decides to give up because he just hugs Zolf tighter for a second, and then says “I’m your older brother, and if you need to talk I’m here.” Zolf is too tired to roll his eyes at this.   
Feryn lets him go, and Zolf goes to bed, has no energy to put his pyjamas on, so he just takes off his jeans and climbs into bed as he is. It’ll save time in the morning anyway. 

**Hamid**

The end of year exams were easier than Hamid expected them to be, and he aced them all. His parents will find no fault in that, and he knows that until the next time one of his siblings does something very amazing, he is the preferred child. 

His parents do not yell, and the conversation they have with him over supper is not about how he badly reflects on the family, but on how well he has done and what sort of a reward would he like? It is a nice place to be, although he is sure that Saira resents him for it. Aziza doesn’t care, she has dyed her hair red and joined a rock band, Saleh doesn’t care because he is at university, and the twins are too young to understand that siblings are in constant competition, and not friends in the way they are at the moment. 

None of them have seen Aziza since term ended, and their parents have stopped mentioning her. Before when they spoke about their children when they mentioned Aziza there would be an awkward pause on a false laugh, but now she isn’t even mentioned. Hamid wonders if she moved out, and then why she didn’t tell anyone. Normally her rebellion is loud and obvious, this isn’t like her. 

Still, now is the time to bask in his parents' love while it lasts, not worry about Aziza, so he does. They buy him tickets to musicals he has never heard of, because he said he liked music, and they sit proudly either side of him in the theatre, telling people that he did so well in his exams they just had to take him to his favourite musical. The musicals are good; old, famous musicals that people like to name drop in conversation, and Hamid decides that it really is time he moved on from MCR anyway. 

Phantom of the Opera is great music, and he can lose himself in that just as easily. It has the added bonus of being music his parents like as well.   
The summer holidays arrive, and Hamid is happy. Sure, he misses Zolf as much as he thinks it's possible to miss someone, but everything is ok. His parents go back to Egypt for the summer, and the Tahan siblings are left in the care of their servants. 

He invites all his friends round to spend time in the pool, and although he is sure Zolf won’t come, he invites him anyway. Zolf doesn’t come, but he has a great time with Sasha and Azu so it doesn’t matter and he doesn’t care and frankly they don’t need Zolf anyway. 

Half way through the summer, Azu shaves her head. Or- not shaves exactly, she still has some fuzz, but her bouncy hair is gone and suddenly you can clearly see her face. She looks beautiful like this, Hamid can see the way her smile breaks across her face more easily, the way her eyes glint when she talks about something she loves, and Hamid wonders if maybe he should change his hair as well.

Sasha has the same idea about drastic hair changes, and attempts to bleach her hair. She doesn’t say anything, so Hamid and Azu decide to also take that method of dealing with Sasha’s hair. At the beginning of the holidays it is dark, short and slightly curly, and the one time she had spent the night at Hamid’s and used his very expensive hair products, it had become very soft and fluffy and sat in a cloud around her head. 

It was now very manky and sort of streaky, mostly a dirty greyish colour, some of it white, some of it still dark brown. Hamid wasn’t sure if it was worse to let her walk around with that monstrosity on her head, or offer to pay to get it fixed. Sasha could be quite sensitive about people offering to pay for things, and didn’t seem to be too upset with her hair, even when some of the white bits went green after spending so long floating on her back in the pool. 

It was a good summer, even though Sasha spent a lot of time presumably with Zolf (although she didn’t tell them where she was when she wasn't in the pool) and Zolf wasn’t around. Hamid revelled in the freedom of his parents not being around, and even had Azu spend several nights at his house, something his parents would not have liked. 

It’s on the fourth night of their sleepover week, late enough that it’s dark, but not so late that Rosie, his housekeeper, would come out to ask them if they were ok, while they’re lying beside the pool talking, that it happened. Azu trails her fingers in the water, and without looking at him says “Hamid I’m bisexual.” 

Hamid isn’t sure how to respond at first, then scooches over so he’s sitting close to her, and puts an arm over her back. “That’s great, Azu,” he says, quietly, these words are just for her. “We’re both bisexual, thats great.” 

Azu turns to him and smiles. “I’ve. I don’t know when I realised but it makes sense and I just wanted to tell you. It’s important to me that you know this, because you’re my best friend.”

They’ve never said best friend before. Even though for months now it's been Sasha&Zolf and Hamid&Azu, no one has ever said best friend. “You’re my best friend too.” Hamid says, and kisses her forehead, something he can easily do since she cut her hair off. “I love you Azu.”   
They fall asleep out there, beside the pool, and the rest of the summer passes in a similarly idyllic but Zolf-less way for Hamid. He sleeps when he feels like it, eats more often than that, and hangs out with Azu and Sasha. In fact, he is having such a fantastic time, he almost forgets about the big important thing that is happening that summer. 

Saira’s exam results. 

Their parents phone them to find out how well she’s done, and Aziza, who they haven’t seen in two months, drops by with flowers for her.   
Aziza looks- Hamid wants to say happy but it's more than that, Aziza is shining. She’s shaved half her head and got several more piercings in her face, and her eyes shine in a way they never did before. She looks as though the weight of the world has been lifted from her shoulders, and smiles at the both.  
“Congratulations on passing your exams!” she says, passing a confused looking Saira a bouquet. “I got you these to say well done, and wanted to know if you all wanted to come and have lunch, on me.”

It’s confusing, very confusing and Hamid would question it more if not for the fact that Saira got ten nines and his parents are delighted and he knows that when they get home he will not be the favourite child anymore. Aziza hugs them both, which is strange they’ve never done that before, and then promises to come back soon before driving off. 

Saira goes up to her room to phone her friends and Hamid goes down to the pool. He doesn’t bother saying congratulations, they both know what this means for him. They both know that whatever Hamid says he isn’t happy for her.


	4. four

**Zolf**

Zolf isn’t exactly aware as time passes through the summer holidays. He can’t quite remember what exactly he does each day, he wakes up and goes through the motions of life, smiling when Feryn makes a joke, nodding when his dad asks if he wants a cup of tea, hugging his mother when he comes home from work- but nothing feels real. Or at least, when looking back none of it feels real, but that might just be how bad his memory has become.

He’s tired- not from a lack of sleep, but of life. He wasn’t sure when it started, but now the effort of his life weighs on him; the endless loop of get up, go to school, do homework, go to bed… Life is a long monotonous cycle that he has to spend years completing, and the things that used to make him happy are just extra tasks he can complete before being allowed to just collapse into bed and zone out while watching youtube.

Sasha drops by a few times, but he can’t bring himself to say much to her, so she just pats his shoulder a lot, and then leaves. He’s not much fun to be around, or a good friend at the moment, but she still drops by sometimes, and some days (good days) he manages to say more than four words  
It's the first day of third form, the first time he’ll see Hamid in nearly two months. Before, the idea of not seeing Hamid for that length of time would be unthinkable, now it's normal. He isn’t sure why, but suddenly the person who he thought was his best friend is someone he is very afraid of spending one on one time with, someone he’s afraid of hurting more.

Even though he wasn’t fun to be around during the holidays, Sasha meets him outside the gates. They walk back into school together, and Zolf barely even looks around for Hamid by the spot they used to all meet up together. Sasha is telling him about some (probably illegal) thing she and Brock did the other day, and he focuses on that as hard as he can. 

He is lucky that he and Hamid aren’t put in any of the same sets, Hamid being the (very tutored) genius that he is, is in all the top sets, whereas Zolf is more in the middle. He is also lucky in that Sasha is in most of his classes, because if he had to try and make small talk with another student he thinks he might off himself. 

It ends up not mattering though, because he sleeps through English, and no one seems to notice or care. Apparently he should have been caring about something Robert Burns wrote, but he didn’t and he doesn’t. 

“Did you get anything from that lesson, Zolf?” Sasha asks him, as they walk across the field to science together. “You looked like you were sleeping.”  
“I was.” Zolf says, sharply. “It's too early for English anyway. 

Sasha smiles, as though she’s aware he’s making a joke, but she still looks worried. “If you’re sure.” she says, as they get in the lift for biology. Technically, Zolf can use the stairs because his prosthetic is below the knee, but it rubs uncomfortably, and when he’s tired the lift is just easier.   
Their biology teacher is a strict looking woman, with hair pulled back in a tight bun, and sharp grey eyes. She looks at them all like she’s looking through them, and Zolf doesn’t think he will get away with sleeping in this lesson. “All of you will do well this year,” she says, surveying the class with her steely eyes. “I will personally make sure of it, but do not make the mistake that this class will be easy. My name is Ms. Curie, and I don’t think any of you will have had me before.”

Her eyes sweep back across the room, and Zolf looks down to avoid eye contact, noticing Sasha do the same. “Well, for this class you will sit in alphabetical order. Can you organise that yourself or do you need me to help you.” 

It isn’t a question, and Zolf understands that there is an expectation of them. He moves over to the side of the class where the lower end of the alphabet will be seated, and looks for other people with a surname beginning with s. Thankfully, due to some sort of divine intervention of genetics, Sasha’s surname begins with r, which comes directly after s. They end up next to each other, because of what some slightly more artistically minded people would call fate, but Zolf just calls the alphabet. 

They get to work, writing their names on the front of shiny new exercise books and sticking in sheets about scientific codes of conduct and the topics they will cover that term, and Ms. Curie strides around the classroom, discouraging chat and making sure no one is on their phone. She stops in front of the bench where Zolf is sitting, and Zolf looks up at her expectantly. 

“Another Smith?” she asks him, and Zolf nods. “Speak up, Smith,” she says, and Zolf blushes. 

“Yes, I’m Feryn’s brother.” he says, aware that no one else in the class is speaking, so his voice sounds especially loud. 

“You look like him,” Ms. Curie says. “He wasn’t especially gifted but he worked hard. I hope I can expect the same from you.”

Zolf nodded, and then remembered he was meant to talk, and said “Yes,” but it came out too loud and Ms. Curie was already walking away so he looked stupid. What felt like the entire class turned to look at him, and Zolf blushed harder, and looked down at the sheets he was sticking in. It was going to be a long year. 

If that had been Hamid, he would have handled it far better. Hamid had always been better at talking than Zolf, he could have probably smooth-talked Ms. Curie into letting him off homework for the rest of the term. But Hamid was in a set for cleverer people, and Zolf was in this set for people who had to work hard to get a B. 

He looked over at Sasha who didn’t have glue and looked as though she was about to try and use chewing gum to stick her sheets in. Before she could try, Zolf passed her his glue, and she gave him a relieved smile. It may be a new school year, but they were still Zolf and Sasha.

**Hamid**

Saira and Hamid were driven to school together by one of the Ta-Han family drivers. Saira doesn’t say anything, but flicks through her new bag checking that all of her stuff is there, and even though Hamid prepared his bag the night before, he does the same.

Aziza has dropped by a few times since the day of Saira’s results, their parents don’t want her there so she cannot stay long, but she asks them about how things are going, and tells them about her band. Hamid isn’t sure why she’s bothering, they were never close before, but he doesn’t question it, she’s nice and she’s his sister. He loves her- she’s his sister, and she recommends him some exciting new music which is nice.   
He hasn’t heard of it before, but their music is good, and he thinks of Aziza when he listens to it. They might not have spoken much, but they both love music, maybe he could go to one of her concerts soon? He couldn’t tell his parents of course, but they wouldn’t notice if one weekend he pretended he was staying at Azu’s. 

He is jolted out of his thoughts when the car pulls to a stop and he realises Saira is practically out of the car. He gets out the other side, and looks around for his friends at the spot they met at the gates last year. Azu is there, but Sasha and Zolf are not. 

He hugs Azu, and they walk into school together. He may not have Zolf anymore, and maybe that means he won’t always have Sasha, but he has Azu at least. He’ll always have Azu. 

Except in class apparently, because Hamid is in the top sets for every lesson, and Azu is in the set below. It’s fine, Hamid thinks to himself as he walks off to his English lesson alone, it's totally fine. Hamid may be without his friends, but he’s a social person, he can make new ones, and he is friendly with everyone in his year, or at least almost everyone, he’ll be fine. 

His English seating plan suggests otherwise. 

“Oh. Hamid.” His ex best friend Liliana looks at him, and frowns. “Are you sure you're in the right class?”

“Yes.” Hamid bristles. “Lili I- I’m good at English.”

Liliana gives an elegant shrug of her shoulders. “Sure you are Hamid, I just wanted to check you were in the right place. Honestly it's just like you to take some well meaning kindness as an insult.” 

Hamid gulps, trying to find words that can explain that Liliana is wrong and that actually he knows what he’s doing, but as usual Liliana makes him feel too weak and small to find his words. He remembers being friends with her and Gideon, and feeling like this all the time, before Zolf and Sasha befriended him. Those were low moments. 

“This year we will start studying Shakespeare, so you’re all prepared for your Macbeth coursework next year. Today you will be working in pairs to present a fact file about the bards life, just pair up with the person next to you-” Hamid’s English teacher drones on, but Hamid is hardly listening as he counts out how the classroom is arranged and realises he will have to work with Liliana. She is looking over at Mr. English Teacher attentively, pretending she hasn’t noticed how pale Hamid has become, or how he’s sure he’s started to sweat. 

Working with Liliana will be horrible, he knows it. She will have to be in charge, and won’t explain what she wants Hamid to do properly until she’s yelling at him for not doing it properly later. She’s cleverer than him, he knows that, and so he can’t tell her she’s wrong or try to demand a more active position in the presentation, and if he isn’t helpful enough she will complain to Mr. English Teacher about it. He’s been through it all before when they were still friends, and he’ll go through it all again this year. 

When Mr. English Teacher has stopped explaining the project, Liliana turns to him, a slight smile on her perfect features. “So Hamid, what do you think of this presentation?” she says, knowing he was too busy panicking to listen. “Which option were you thinking of doing? I personally don’t have a preference.” 

She did have a preference, and Hamid knew it. This was a trap, the sort Liliana was good at. Pick right and she got sour and upset, pick wrong and she got sour and upset. 

“Uhh, W-well, I mean, I d-don’t know exactly which one would be, would be best, Liliana?” he says, his nervous stutter coming out as she exams him, a calm expression on her face. “Muh-maybe the second one?” he guesses.

It’s wrong. Hamid knows it even before Liliana looks at him with disappointment, and even though they’re the same age, Hamid feels so much younger than her, so much less experienced with the world. “Or the first one, I don’t mind!” he says quickly, but it doesn’t matter. 

“If you want to do the second option we can do it, Hamid.” she says, making his name sound like an accusation. “We can do whatever you want, I don’t mind.” She practically spits the last few words out, and Hamid gulps. 

“Neither do I, Lili, you pick.” 

It's the safest option, he thinks. Liliana likes being in control, she's cleverer than him anyway, she’ll pick the best option. 

“Leaving me to do all the work, typical Hamid.” she rolls her eyes. “We’ll do the first option, about Shakespeare’s childhood. Now come on, we need to make a powerpoint and I don’t want to be doing all the work.

Everyone is to present their presentation next lesson, and Liliana asks Hamid if he wants to come over to her house after school to work on their presentation. He does not. Liliana made him feel stupid and small when he was friends with her before, and now, after just one lesson, he is starting to feel that self doubt creeping back. That knowledge that he will never be good enough how hard he tries- so what’s the point in trying. 

He doesn’t want to mess up the project for Liliana though, so he agrees. She doesn’t give him a particular time, or remind him of her address, but he doesn’t expect her to. He needs to think for himself more anyway, he can’t expect Lili to do everything, and anyway, they’re going to be late for science. 

****

When Hamid gets to Liliana’s house, twenty minutes after school has ended (hopefully enough time for her to get herself sorted, but not so long that they wouldn’t have time to get any work done), Gideon answers the door. Immediately, Hamid wants to turn and run, Gideon and Liliana at the same time? Hanging out with both of them means dealing with both of their attacks at the same time, and he’s pretty sure they’re dating now which makes it even worse. Still, he and Liliana have homework to do so Hamid stays. 

“Hello Gideon,” he says, and he doesn’t think his voice tremors much. “I haven’t uh, I haven’t seen you in a whuh-while.”

“No.” says Gideon. “You haven’t.” He turns and walks back into the house, and Hamid knows he’s supposed to follow him even though he wasn’t invited in. Wishing that someone else was there for moral support, Azu would be comforting, and Sasha would probably murder them both and make sure the bodies were never found if he asked- but really he wanted Zolf. They hadn’t spoken in ages, but Zolf’s calm presence and no nonsense attitude would be exactly what Hamid needed. He wouldn’t make a scene, but nor would he accept any of Gideon and Liliana’s mind games. 

Hamid would just have to channel his inner Zolf and Azu (Sasha’s approach probably wasn’t a great idea), and as he attempts to stride confidently into the house, he tries to imagine what they would do if they were there with him. Azu would just be nice, and let the meanness wash over her. Zolf would ask them exactly what they meant when they began making what were (supposedly subtle) racist comments, or treating him like he was younger and stupider than he was, and not let them get away with anything. 

He puts his shoulders back, and holds his head up as he walks into Liliana’s room, the sort of pose Aziza held when she still lived with them. He wonders if perhaps she felt as scared as he does now, but doesn’t have time to dwell on it.

“Hey Lili, I didn’t know Gideon was coming too. We do need to work.” Hamid says, feeling very proud of himself. It isn’t quite standing up for himself, not yet, but it's a start. 

Liliana looks at him with the same cool indifference she always does, although Hamid thinks he detects a flash of anger. He isn’t sure whether to be proud or not, but he refuses to be scared. Liliana is a girl his age. He refuses to be hurt by her in a way that matters ever again. 

Hamid arrives early to his next English lesson and politely asks to be moved away from Liliana to sit next to someone else. He wonders if this is how Aziza felt when she left home, like she had finally managed to remove a stone from her shoe, a proverbial stone that made proverbial walking incredibly painful and hard. 

Hamid smiled at the person sitting next to him, who gave him a small smile back, and didn’t even look at Liliana. She wasn’t worth his time.


	5. five

**Zolf**

Zolf is thinking about Hamid. He had promised himself he wouldn’t, and yet here he was, the first day of the Christmas holidays, thinking about him. It was Christmas, and even though Hamid isn’t a Christian, he still gave Zolf a card. It had been almost funny, Zolf had just been standing there, waiting for Feryn, when Hamid had run up, put a card in his hand, and ran off again.   
Honestly, Zolf doesn’t think he’s ever seen Hamid run before, and was so shocked by the rapid pace of his movement that he forgot about the card for a second. Now however, the card was tucked under his pillow, and Zolf was thinking about whether or not to open it. 

He feels guilty for not giving Hamid a card- but he hadn’t been expecting one, and isn’t exactly sure what he should write in it. Happy Christmas? But Hamid doesn’t celebrate Christmas. Have a good holiday? But that sounds like a robot wrote it. 

He reaches under his pillow and pulls out the envelope, tracing his finger along the flap. He isn’t entirely sure that it is a Christmas card, but he cannot think of anything else it might be. His name is written on the front, with a star instead of the “o”, a Christmassy three wise men star- which Zolf can admit looks nice. 

Zolf leans further back into the pillows and slides his thumb under the envelope flap. He’s alone, and so no one can judge his reaction- and Hamid doesn’t even have to know whether he read it or not- and so Zolf opens the card. 

It spills glitter all over his trousers which isn’t ideal, and has a picture of a house in the snow on the front, all covered in glitter. Inside, Hamid has written. 

“Dear Zolf, 

I hope you have a nice holiday, you certainly deserve a break.  
I hope we can meet up soon, I haven’t seen you in a while.

Happy Christmas!

Sasha and Azu are coming over on Saturday, maybe you would also like to come? 

Love, Hamid.” 

Zolf closes the letter and places it on his bedside table. So Hamid does not hate him, or want him dead- and he’s inviting him over. Zolf isn’t exactly shocked, he knows Hamid isn’t a particularly hateful person, but still. He’s, what's that word, perturbed. 

On the one hand, it would be nice to speak to Hamid again. On the other hand, Zolf has no idea what to say. It feels like everytime he goes to speak to Hamid the black cloud of their breakup hangs over them as something they never quite discussed, as something they need to talk about properly before they go back to normal. 

Unfortunately, Zolf is far too awkward to even know where to begin on that.

He picks up his phone, and calls the least awkward person he knows, Azu. 

Azu sounds delighted to hear from him, even though they only said goodbye yesterday, and Zolf finds himself smiling. “Azu I need your help.” he says, once she has finished saying how nice it is to hear from him so soon, and he hears what might be a sigh on the other end of the phone. 

“Is this about the christmas card? Or about meeting us on Saturday?” she asks, sounding the tiniest bit less cheerful. 

“Both- has Hamid spoken to you about it already? Did he not want to invite me?”

“No! Hamid misses you Zolf, and I know you miss him too. Come round on Saturday, we’ll have a great time, you two can talk, it’ll be ok.” 

“Azu I really don’t know if this is the sort of thing we can just talk about- it feels like, I don’t know but, it feels like things might never be how they were and- look like, right, i miss him but, I don’t know if I can do this?”

“Zolf,” Azu takes a small breath in, “Zolf I think you can do this, I think you don’t give yourself or Hamid enough credit, and I think you will both be happier if you talk about this.”

“I don’t think I can Azu, I really don’t think I can. What if I like, what if I completely fuck it up more, or like, he tells me he actually just wants to cut ties and, I mean I don’t know where to start.” Zolf stands up, and begins to pace around the room, growing steadily more agitated. He wants to talk to Hamid, he really does, but it's a terrifying task and right now he doesn’t know if he’s up for it. He’s sleepy all the time, he can barely muster the effort to do his homework, and this might be too much. 

“Zolf, just. Just think about it ok?” she says, and Zolf mutters something that could be interpreted as a yes. 

“Bye Azu,” he says, and before she can tell him she looks forward to seeing him on Saturday, he hangs up the phone.

**********************

Feryn and Keystone-from-the-rugby-team are sitting on the sofa together laughing, when Zolf comes down stairs. They have a plate of mince pies between them, and Keystone-from-the-rugby-team has his hands up like he’s miming floppy ears. Zolf has no idea what his brother is doing, but he swipes a mince pie anyway. 

Feryn slaps his hand, but lets him take it, and Zolf ruffles his hair, before going into the kitchen. He gets himself a plate for his mince pie because he isn’t an animal, and gets himself a glass of water because water is healthy, before going outside to sit in the garden. 

They don’t have a big garden, it's barely big enough for a game of one on one football or rugby, but there’s a tree in the corner that's good to climb, and up in its branches, Zolf feels good. He has to balance his cup and plate on some of the lower branches as he climbs, and with his leg he can’t check which branches are strong enough so can’t climb too high- but it's still somewhere he feels safe. 

There’s a small hollow where he used to try and keep books, but they got damp and the pages warped, so now he keeps pretty rocks he finds, and bits of jewelry he personally wouldn’t wear, but likes looking at or fiddling with. It's not exactly a secret place, this tree, but no one else spends time in it, and even Feryn doesn’t know about the hollow. 

Zolf sits up on one of the branches, and thinks. The cool air blows gently against his face, and he thinks about his friends, and Hamid being one of them again, and how that thought makes his heart beat faster. 

He doesn’t want to just be Hamid’s friend, he realises. He likes Hamid, in the way he’s supposed to have stopped liking him. 

This is not good. Zolf isn’t entirely sure what to do, or how he’s supposed to get rid of these feelings. He’s nearly fourteen, and yet here he is, sitting in a tree thinking about a boy. 

He scrolls through his contacts, thinking about phoning Hamid, but it's too much, and his finger eventually falls on the name above. 

“Wotcha,” says Grizzop, before the first ring has even finished. “Need some advice?”

“Grizzop. How do you get over a crush?”

There is silence on the other end of the phone for a while before, “Is this still about Hamid?”

“Yes. Wait- what do you mean still! It's not been that long?”

“It’s been quite long. Anyway, you want to get over him? Maybe start trying to only think of him in a friend context again? Try just being his friend until it seems like the most natural thing to be.”

“It’s hard. I mean of course it's hard I’m not expecting it to be easy but- is there a faster way.”

“Zolf do you really think I wouldn’t recommend the fastest way to do something?”

This was an excellent point, and after hanging up again, Zolf makes a small list in his head of the pros and cons. Feryn always recommends making lists, and although Zolf isn’t normally a list guy, he gives it a go anyway. 

Getting to see his friends again is a bonus- he likes his friends and he hasn’t spent time just chilling with Azu and Sasha in a while, or at least he thinks he hasn’t, the last few months of school have been tough. 

Seeing Hamid again could be either a pro or a con, Zolf isn’t sure. 

His crush on Hamid is definitely a con, and something he wants to get rid of. It’s frankly creepy to still be crushing on someone after you broke up, and Zolf doesn’t want to be the creepy ex like in the romance novels he reads. No one likes the creepy ex. 

Grizzop and Azu both gave advice that would suggest him going on Saturday would be the right thing to do, and Zolf is pretty sure that if he asked Feryn, he'd probably also agree- although Feryn didn’t think Zolf left the house enough, and would be coming from that angle. 

So long as he didn’t have to have a long awkward conversation about his feelings with Hamid about Hamid, Zolf supposed it would be fun to go. Especially since Hamid had gone to the effort of making him a Christmas card. 

**Hamid**

Hamid isn’t expecting Zolf to actually come that Saturday, so when he does it's a pleasant surprise. He seems shyer and more awkward than normal, but he smiles at Hamid, and lets Azu give him a hug. 

They all end up in the sitting room, a log fire is burning away, and the telly is on, and Rosie brings them all hot chocolate. Hamid isn’t sure where his parents are, but Saira is in her room and the twins are being looked after by their nanny, and even though Zolf’s not talking much and Sasha is half an hour late, they have a good time. 

Azu is clearly trying to get Zolf and Hamid to have a proper conversation, Hamid can tell just by the way she keeps going to the loo or to ask Rosie about her hot chocolate recipe in the first half hour when Sasha isn’t there, and then asking Sasha if she could teach her how to pick a lock. Unfortunately, Zolf keeps his eyes fixed on the tv whenever she leaves the room, and goes with Sasha and Azu to learn to pick locks (and so Hamid goes as well and they all spend a while watching Sasha fiddle with the locks in the Tahan house. It’s interesting, but not what Hamid is after). 

Zolf leaves before the others as well, and smiles awkwardly at Hamid, before giving Sasha a goodbye shoulder bump and Azu gives him another hug. It’s an improvement, Hamid thinks- or hopes, but he still wants to have a proper conversation. 

It’s like their friendship reset, like they’ve gone back to how they were when they first met, after Zolf and Sasha stood up for him when Gideon tried to blame him for setting the food tech room on fire, and despite wanting to be friends, none of them were comfortable around each other yet. 

Hamid knows he needs to just give Zolf some time, they both need time to figure out their feelings and how to handle them. Worrying about Zolf isn’t going to make them friends again, Hamid knows this. 

Unfortunately, Hamid can’t seem to stop.

**Zolf**

Saturday evening, after seeing Hamid, Zolf spends lying face down on the bed. He’s emotionally tired, and feels guilty about how upset Hamid seemed, and in general feels drained. 

Now is not the perfect time for another sexuality crisis, but after hearing both Azu and Hamid talk about how they feel about girls, his brain (or heart. Zolf isn’t entirely sure where crushes and shit come from) he’s wondering if he might like them as well. 

He never gave crushes much thought- until Hamid he never really noticed if he had one or not, not bothering to think about what was a crush and what was just someone he enjoyed being friends with, but he does find girls very pretty, and he can imagine himself loving a girl, he thinks.   
Since loving Hamid the way he did, Zolf’s perception of love has been skewed. He liked Hamid in the way that he might have loved anyone who had such a profound impact on his life, and made him feel so entirely different about himself and the world. 

He can’t imagine loving anyone else like that, and most days he isn’t sure if he even still loves Hamid to that intensity, his feelings now a confusing mix of gratitude and regret and the desire to hold Hamid’s hand. 

Girls are pretty though, Zolf has never denied that, and when he was six, he can’t be sure, but looking back he thinks he might have had a crush on his best friend Amelia. He thought she was the funniest nicest person in the world, and picked her a bunch of bluebells when he saw a cluster in the woods one time, and although he can’t remember her reaction, he thinks that might have been a crush?

Or was it just friendship, and he’s trying to convince himself he’s not gay?

It’s a confusing mess, and he feels guilty for being confused about it when he should be focusing on how he probably just made Hamid feel. He rolls over so he faces upwards, and stares at the ceiling. 

The ceiling, being a ceiling, gives him no answers, and Zolf picks up his phone to call Grizzop again, before feeling guilty. He’s pretty sure that calling someone only when you need help is a dick move, especially twice in one day, so he calls Azu instead.

Azu is again, seemingly delighted to have a call from Zolf, and when he tells her he thinks he might actually be bisexual, she sounds even happier. 

He tells her about Amelia, and about how he doesn’t know whether or not it was a crush, and how he thinks girls are pretty, but doesn’t know if that's just a thinking girls are pretty thing, or something deeper. 

Azu says nothing for a while then, “I can’t tell you if you’re bi or not. But if you can see yourself with a girl, then you might be?”

Zolf takes a moment to get over the irony of this being exactly what he read when he was googling “am i gay”, and it told him if he could picture himself being with a boy then he probably was, then thinks about it. 

He can. He likes girls, and honestly they tend to be prettier than boys- Hamid being an exception not the rule. 

He tells Azu this, and she makes an excited noise, before calmly saying “I’m happy for you Zolf. I’m really happy for you.” 

Zolf puts the phone down, and heads downstairs to get a snack. Soul searching always makes him hungry, and he’s pretty sure Feryn made some more mince pies.


	6. six

**Hamid**

It’s in the first or second week of fourth form when the house phone rings with the phone call that disrupts Hamid’s life completely. Rosie answers, because his father hate’s phone calls during meals, and then rushes into the dining room looking pale. She whispers something to Hamid’s father, who’s face takes on its most stony yet angry expression. He stands up and leaves the room, Hamid’s mother looking confused, but not saying anything. You don’t speak to Saleh senior when his face looks like that. 

Hamid and Saira exchange glances, but say nothing, before going to school like normal. Or, normal-ish. After five or so minutes, Saira timidly asks Hamid what he thinks has happened, the most words they have ever spoken to each other in the car. 

Hamid has no idea what happened or what the phone call was about, but he mentions that he isn’t looking forward to going home that night, and Saira giggles slightly. It isn’t funny, they both know it, but somehow it's something that sucks for them together.

When they get home though, Rosie hugs them both, and tells them that everything’s going to be ok, and that their parents aren’t here right now. She makes them both hot chocolate, and sits them down at the table. It would be nice, the sort of welcome home from school Hamid would enjoy everyday, if not for the fact that clearly something terrible has happened. 

“It’s Saleh.” says Rosie, once both Hamid and Saira have had a few sips of hot chocolate. “Your brother is in a whole lot of trouble, and your parents are going to be spending some time up in Oxford with him.” 

“What happened? What did Saleh do?” asks Saira. She’s frowning, like she’s trying to figure out exactly how bad this is, and how she should react. 

“He’s been having some trouble with his drinking,” Rosie says, in a voice that sounds as though he might have just spilt water all over himself, but with a face that suggested something much worse. “He got into a car accident, he was driving, there’s going to be a police investigation- Hamid are you ok?”

Hamid hadn’t noticed himself start to cry, but his face was wet, and his chest felt empty. Saleh was his eldest brother, they hadn’t been close in a while but when they had been little, Saleh had played with him whenever he wanted, pulling stupid faces to make him laugh. 

“What’s happened, is Saleh ok?” he asks, trying to keep his voice steady. Saira’s knuckles are white with how hard she’s gripping her hot chocolate, and her eyes are huge on her face. 

“He’s in hospital.” says Rosie, “He has alcohol poisoning, and several broken ribs from the crash. The issue is the person he crashed into, a woman named Kelsi.”

“What happened?” Saira asks. Hamid’s mouth is too dry for him to try and speak, and tears continue flowing down his face. He attempts to sip his hot chocolate, but it tastes too watery, and he puts it down. 

“She’s in a coma- they don’t think she’ll make it, but we don’t know any details yet so please both of you stay calm.”  
“Can we visit Saleh?”

“I can ask your parents, but Saira I think they’ll just tell you to focus on your work. You don’t want to see your brother like this, and he’ll be coming back to spend a lot of time at home as soon as he can.” 

“Does Aziza know?”

“I’ll phone her now, Ducky.” 

Hamid leaves the room. There is nothing he can say that will fix everything, and there’s nothing he wants to say. Saleh nearly killed someone, might have killed someone, and that's something they all have to live with now. 

His parents will not be pleased. 

He thinks about phoning Azu, but Azu won’t know what to do either, and as much as hearing her voice will help, he can’t bear it right now. His older brother, his clever, perfect, Oxford attending older brother, has fucked up so supremely, everything Aziza does, everything Aziza is, seems tiny. 

Saleh isn’t the model son anymore, he can’t be after this, which only leaves Hamid. Hamid, who’s bisexual, Hamid, who likes boys. 

He throws himself on the bed, and sobs. Things are going to change, and Hamid has no idea how to cope, how he’s meant to prepare. Will his parents immediately pile expectations on him? Will his parents be far stricter to stop him becoming like Saleh? Will they attempt to control every aspect of his life so they can mold him into the perfect son they want? 

He feels guilty for thinking of himself when Saleh is in hospital, when that girl (what was her name? Kelly? Kitty?) still might die. A terrible terrible thing has happened, and Hamid is thinking about himself- it's disgusting. He hasn’t hated himself this much since he was friends with Gideon and Liliana, since he spent most nights replaying the things they said about him in his head as he went to sleep. 

He needs a distraction, a distraction from thinking about how awful everything is going to be, for Saleh, for him, for the girl (Crystal?), and he decides to watch a gay film. He hasn’t in a while, none of them are good, but it's something he can watch without any brain power.   
It ends up making him feel more alone. 

He isn’t a skinny white man, he doesn’t love another skinny white man, and he doesn’t want the ending these men end up with.   
The problem is, gay people in films end up dead, end up ostracising their family, end up alone, end up sad; and Hamid can’t believe those are his only options. Surely, being bisexual doesn’t condemn him to a life that will take far too much effort to live?

He flicks through his music, onto the band Aziza recommended for him- Bikini Kill. There's more screaming than singing, and the music is about girls and feminism and things Hamid hasn’t ever thought about- but in the anger there is a sort of comfort. They are angry yes, but the band is angry together, at something they want to fix. It’s sort of beautiful, the idea of being able to fix something that hates you, the sort of beautiful Hamid needs right now. 

He’s having an emotional evening, and angry twenty year olds who find beauty in each other are exactly what he needs. 

Aziza phones him the next morning, to ask if he’s ok. He’s no longer surprised by her check ins, and it's nice to talk to her. She tells him she’s coming to spend some time with them while their parents are up in Oxford, and to his surprise, he’s excited to see her again. 

They keep talking on the car ride to school, Hamid tells her about how much he likes the music she recommended, and she gives him a few more names. She’s happy, it seems, and even though Saira pretends to be on her own phone, Hamid can tell she is listening. 

He didn’t realise how much he wanted some sort of closeness with his siblings until now. Saleh may be in hospital, but his sisters are still here, and he will be damned if he doesn’t spend more time with them from now on. 

They pull up to the school, and Hamid tells Aziza he’ll speak to her later, and he and Saira get out. Instead of running off in opposite directions, Hamid attempts something he’s never done before. 

He hugs Saira goodbye. 

She’s stiff at first, not expecting it, but then her arms gingerly come up around Hamid. It’s awkward, because of course it is, but it's also sort of nice.   
“Bye Hamid,” Saira says, running off into the school, and Hamid waves. It feels sort of forced, and she has her back to him, but still. It’s better than it was before. 

He tells his friends what happened at lunch, and suddenly everything feels less hopeful. Azu looks at him with eyes full of pity, and even Sasha gives him a “sorry” bump on the shoulder. 

Zolf gives him a sort of half hug, but it's more than Hamid has had in ages, so he cherishes it, even if it is more awkward than the one he had with Saira earlier. 

Hamid isn’t sure why, but somehow he expected telling Azu and Sasha and Zolf about everything would make it better. He isn’t sure why, but he’s disappointed when it doesn’t. 

**Zolf**

Zolf isn’t exactly sure about the nature of his and Hamid’s relationship- they aren’t exactly friends, but they aren’t not friends either. They have to spend time with each other because they have friends in common, but one on one time is awkward and stilted, and full of both of them trying to start conversations they both know they can’t finish. 

This lack of defined friendship, means Zolf has absolutely no idea how to comfort Hamid through his family tragedy. 

Zolf has never been good at feelings. Or people. Unfortunately, Hamid is a people with feelings, and he needs comfort. Comfort Zolf wants to be able to provide, even if they aren’t exactly friends anymore. 

He gives Hamid the most awkward hug he’s ever given anyone, and mutters something about being there if Hamid needs to talk, even though they both know it's bullshit because they haven’t been able to talk about anything in a year, and thinks about what else might be comforting. 

That night, he sends Hamid a text saying “thinking of you” which is the stupidest and most unnecessary text he’s probably ever sent, and then sets to make him some sort of food that will make him feel better. 

Zolf likes being able to fix problems. He likes things when there's a solution, and preferably one that is more action and less thought. This doesn’t feel like one of those problems, so he makes jam tarts instead. 

Feryn helps, because Feryn is the baker of the family, and for a while the two brothers work in silence. It’s a comfortable silence, only broken by Feryn asking Zolf to pass a rolling pin, or Zolf telling Feryn he thinks the jam looks done. 

Feryn is just putting the empty pastry cases in the oven when Zolf realises he hasn’t baked with Feryn in years. They used to bake together all the time, both pretending they weren’t sneaking all the tastes they possibly could; and then for some reason they didn’t do that anymore. No, not for some reason, Zolf stopped saying yes when Feryn offered.

Feryn turns around and stands up, jam smeared on his cheek, flour streaks all over, and Zolf hugs him. 

Feryn doesn’t ask, and instead just hugs Zolf back. 

*************

The tarts are delicious, and Zolf packs them up in a box to give to Hamid. It’s a small gesture, that won’t fix the problem, but might make it a little easier to manage- or at least Zolf hopes. He hasn’t had a jam tart since he was little anyway, and he expects it's the same for Hamid, so maybe it will at least bring him a little nostalgia of being young and things not mattering. 

Zolf is almost asleep when Hamid texts back “thanks”

It’s a simple text, it doesn’t mean much, in the same way Zolf’s didn’t, but it's nice to receive anyway. 

It means that even with everything going on Hamid has time for Zolf, it means that Hamid feels ok enough to text him- and maybe, although this might just be the part of Zolf speaking that has read far too many romance novels, maybe it means that he and Hamid could be friends again. 

**Hamid**

Aziza plays music that blasts through the whole house, and sings along loudly. She has a beautiful voice, the sort that makes you want to join in, and soon Saira and Hamid are bopping along as well.

Sort of, at least; Saira doing the sort of dancing you do whilst sitting at the table doing homework, which involves head bobbing and not a whole lot else, and Hamid is shaking his shoulders a bit, unsure of how to dance when he doesn’t really know the rhythm. It's still a lovely atmosphere though, and they haven’t hung out all in one room together in a while. The twins are upstairs sleeping, and Rosie is in the kitchen cooking, so the three of them are alone.   
Hamid isn’t sure exactly what he wants to say, but he doesn’t have a chance to try before Aziza speaks up. 

“Our parents are shitheads.”

Saira drops her pen, and Hamid blinks several times. Neither of them would ever dare say something against their parents like that, even when they weren’t in the room. 

“I mean it. This is a toxic environment to grow up in, and I want to get you all out.”

Saira’s mouth drops open a little. 

“Look, I don’t think I can get custody of the twins, they’re very little, but you two don’t have to live here anymore. I have a flat, and I’m old enough to be a legal guardian, and if you say you want to live with me I’m sure I can make that happen- mother and father won’t want the expense and scandal of a court case I know it.” 

Hamid isn’t exactly sure what to say. He doesn’t want to stay with his parents, that's true, but to leave seems impossible, and far too drastic.   
He looks at Saira, and she seems to be thinking the same. She’s nearly out anyway, she’s eighteen and nearly finished with her A levels, while Hamid is only fifteen, and barely picked his GCSE options. He needs far more support than Saira will, his school fees for one, and fifteen year olds can’t live with their older sisters, is that even legal?

“I’ll need to think about it.” he says, and he can see Aziza looking at him- not with disappointment, but a sort of resigned look mixed with pity. He isn’t sure what it means, but it doesn’t feel good. 

He doesn’t wait for Saira to agree to leave, or to hear the sound of him losing the two siblings he just thought he was growing close to, and runs up to his bedroom. 

He sits on his bed, and is just about to start crying, when there is a knock on his bedroom door. He doesn’t say anything, hoping they’ll just go away, but then Saira pokes her head around the door. 

“Hamid,” she says quietly, “can I come in?”

Hamid doesn’t know why she asks, because she comes in anyway, and sits down beside him. 

“Hamid, I know we aren’t close- and I’m sorry about that but, I’m not going to leave you here.”

“You’re not?” He blinks at her, his eyelashes wet, and she smiles sadly.

“No. Hamid, I want to tell you something and- I mean I don’t know if you want to hear this but, I think it’s important for me to discuss this with you. You’re my brother and I want for us to be friends.”

Hamid nods. 

“I’m a lesbian.” 

Hamid takes a moment to process this, and then bursts out laughing. Saira looks both offended and confused, until, in between bouts of laughter, he explains that he’s bisexual. 

Saira finds this hilarious as well, and for a moment they sit there laughing at the fact that their parents have managed to have two queer children. 

“You really won’t leave?” he asks, “You don’t want to?”

“I do.” Saira says quietly, “Well, it’s complicated- but I won’t leave here without you, and I want to get the twins out too.”

Hamid nodded. “I don't- Saira is that even possible? Can we leave them?”

Saira bit her lip, “I don’t think we’ll have a choice, Hamid. I think we have to.”

***********  
His parents aren’t back the next day, and when Hamid wakes up he hears Aziza’s music bouncing through the house. He stays in bed for a few minutes longer, letting the knowledge that he can, and that he won’t be greeted with hostility if he comes down stairs a little late.

When he does go downstairs, he is greeted with laughter, Aziza and Rosie joking about something that is clearly hilarious. Aziza is making hot chocolate- or at least her version of hot chocolate which involves microwaved ice cream instead of milk, and icing sugar mixed in with the hot chocolate powder. It’s sickly and horrible, and there is mess all over the sides. 

Hamid feels a small smile stretch across his face. It’s not perfect, it’s far from perfect, but it’s comforting and welcoming and his.


	7. seven

**Zolf**

“Azu what should we do?” Zolf asked, sitting on the chair in her bedroom while she lay sprawled across her bed. “I’m really worried about Hamid.”

“You could try talking to him?” Azu said, rubbing her freshly buzzed hair, “I mean, you still haven’t sorted out your own thing with him- Zolf I think you would both feel a lot better if you tried-”

“I think we’re passed that.” Zolf says, cutting Azu off, and Azu turns her head towards him, eyes serious. 

“Do you really think that? Or are you just making excuses so you don’t have to try?”

Zolf was saved having to respond by Sasha poking her head in the window. 

“Sorry I’m late,” she began, climbing in, “But like, Brock needed some help with a, a sort of, a thing right, and like, I tried to get away but I couldn’t and- well-”

“You’re here now.” says Azu, smiling, “but Sasha you know you can use the door- my parents really would prefer it.”

“There were people downstairs.” Sasha says, as though that explains it- and really, considering its Sasha, it does. She perches on the window sill, and nibbles at one of her finger nails, a habit she keeps saying she wants to quit, but never does. 

“Sasha, are you worried about Hamid?” Zolf asks, and Sasha tips her head to one side.

“Because he’s late? Or like, because of the whole, the whole Saleh thing.”

“Because of the whole Saleh thing.” Zolf says, “Which is probably why he is late.”

“Well like, I mean not that I’m not worried but, well Zolf you know Hamid can take care of himself.”

Zolf shakes his head. “I suppose but-”

Azu stands up, and rubs a hand across her head. “We shouldn’t really talk about Hamid when he’s not here. All we can do is try and be there for him- now why don’t we go downstairs and see if there's anything good on telly?”

There won’t be, and they almost never watch telly together, but Zolf can tell Azu needs something to take her mind of how she can’t help Hamid. They end up watching some stupid baking show, with contestants who probably aren’t a patch on Feryn, and Zolf points this out. Sasha, who packs away a fair amount of Feryn’s baked goods, agrees. Their conversation has an air of “There’s something we’re not talking about” in it, the fact that Hamid isn’t there to talk about his housekeepers food, the fact that Hamid isn’t there to make them watch something like queer eye, the fact that Hamid isn’t there to get them to let him paint their nails and complain about how much homework he had. 

When eventually Hamid arrives he isn’t wearing any makeup. Even though he had stopped wearing eyeliner years ago, he still normally covers his spots up with something. Today however, Zolf can see all the imperfections on Hamid’s skin. It makes him feel uncomfortable, seeing Hamid like that, looking vulnerable. 

Hamid always looks put together no matter what, unlike Zolf and Sasha who’s spots are never covered up and clothes look vaguely slept in. Azu takes pride in her appearance, but not in the way Hamid normally does. Hamid tended to look like he was about to leave to go to a fancy party at any moment, and seeing him like this made something twist in Zolf’s stomach. Hamid was not coping.

**Hamid**

Saleh was lying on the floor of the bathroom, surrounded by empty mouthwash bottles and his own vomit. He looked like he didn’t recognise Hamid when he came in, and stared up at him with dead eyes. 

Although Hamid had seen Saleh like this before, he had never been alone when it happened. 

His parents ignored Saleh’s problems as much as they could, keeping him in the house all the time. None of his old school friends had come by or asked after him, and he didn’t seem to be getting any phone calls from his uni friends. Saira was also doing her best, but had big exams coming up and couldn’t be distracted, so now it was all on Hamid and Aziza. 

“Saleh, how about a shower?” Hamid says, trying to keep his voice bright. Aziza isn’t picking up, so he’s on his own. “Or- no I don’t think you can stand up, a bath maybe?”

Saleh’s eyes roll upwards and he gives Hamid a crooked smile. “I’m great-” he manages to say, before scaring himself with a hiccup. “I’m great at standing up!” he says, reaching out as if to grab Hamid’s arm and help himself up. 

Hamid shudders at the thought of being touched by his sick covered brother, but helps him up anyway. As Saleh leans closer, Hamid is hit by the revolting smell of his breath. Alcohol is not a good look on Saleh, or a good smell. 

He thinks you're supposed to get drunk people some water to help them out, but honestly he can’t remember. He’s never been drunk himself, or spent much time around drunk people before, and it’s terrifying. “Hamid,” Saleh stage whispers in his ear, “Hamid can I tell you a secret?” 

He then passes out on the floor. 

Hamid is not prepped for this situation, and has no idea what the fuck he’s meant to be doing. Saleh is lying crumpled on the floor, he’s not dead, surely he’s not dead, but he doesn’t look very alive. Aziza’s phone goes to voicemail again, and Hamid is trapped. Should he call his parents? Would his parents do anything? 

In the end he googles it. Google tells him to put him in the recovery position and check for signs of alcohol poisoning. Saleh is clammy and shaky, and Hamid can’t tell if he’s breathing properly? Is this alcohol poisoning? Is Saleh going to die? 

He wants to call an ambulance, because surely calling an ambulance is the right thing to do? Saleh doesn’t look good, and Hamid has no idea how to take care of him. But his parents… Hamid knows his parents will be upset if he phones an ambulance, bringing extra attention to the family? Especially considering how things have been recently with Aziza leaving and Saleh being kicked out of uni. 

Saleh doesn’t move, and Hamid tries Aziza one last time. Then Rosie. Then Saira. 

He’s about to try his parents when Saleh starts throwing up. His eyes stay closed, and apart from the convulsing he does as he throws up he doesn't move. Hamid recoils, not wanting to get any on him, and panics. People die throwing up unconscious, they choke on their own vomit and die.

Hamid phones an ambulance. To hell with the consequences, he doesn’t want a dead brother. 

****************

When he gets to Azu’s, several hours late and probably smelling like vomit, his friends are worried, they want to help him. But for the first time Hamid doesn’t feel like talking. He curls up next to Azu, and lays his head on her shoulder, Sasha perched awkwardly behind him, Zolf with a hand resting on his shoulder. 

His friends weren’t there while he held his brother's clammy hand for what felt like hours, wishing he’d wake up. His friends weren't there when the ambulance people looked grimmly down at his brother, and they weren’t there when Hamid couldn’t bring himself to ask if Saleh would die. 

Still, they’re here now.


	8. eight

**Hamid**

The rest of the year drags on after the day Hamid found his brother on the floor with alcohol poisoning. Saleh has been moved into a rehabilitation centre to get the help he needs, and Saira studies harder than Hamid thought was possible to study. 

She wants to get out, and Hamid can’t blame her. He can’t wait to be doing his A levels and finally finally get out. Unfortunately he still has another year of GCSEs and honestly it feels like he’ll never be out of school. Never be out of his house. 

Still, the summer holidays mean he gets to spend more time with his sisters, and for that he is incredibly grateful. One weekend Aziza offers to take him and Saira up to stay in Wales for a few days, and Hamid asks if he can bring Azu. 

It ends up being Hamid, Azu, Aziza, her friend Ollie, Saira, and her friend Lauren who go up to Wales. They take the train, suitcases on their laps, and even though he doesn’t know his sisters’ friends Hamid likes them. He enjoys the light friendly atmosphere they bring, instead of the worried one his friends normally have around him, and it seems to make Azu lighten up a little too, as she starts smiling again. Hamid missed her smile, or at least missed her happy smile, he’s seen enough of her worried smile. 

Even when they first arrive at the small bed and breakfast that Aziza booked it feels like more of a holiday than whenever Hamid’s parents took their children to incredibly expensive five star hotels, or to the huge house they have in Cairo. There's the beautiful smell of the sea, the friendly smile that the man running the b&b gives them as they enter, and the way that everyone seems to be actually enjoying themselves, not just giving the impression that they’re enjoying themselves. 

The view of the sea from the room he and Azu are sharing makes Hamid think of Zolf, and how much he loved the sea. He wondered if Zolf still wanted to join the navy, or if that dream had passed. He hadn’t asked Zolf about his future in a while actually. He really ought to be better at doing that. 

*****

While everyone else is unpacking, Azu and Hamid run down the beach and into the sea. The water is freezing, but there aren’t many people out, so they can be as loud and splashy as they want. Hamid doesn’t think about how messy his hair will look, or about his makeup coming off when Azu splashes him, and instead just laughs. He would never do anything like this with his parents around but without them, it's hard to explain exactly but Hamid feels free.

Everyone is kissing when Hamid and Azu return. It’s disgusting, they need to walk through both Aziza & Ollie’s room, and Saira & Lauren’s room, and there is intense kissing going on in both. Hamid didn’t realise that either of his sisters were dating people, or that this was a snog fest retreat, but whatever.

Azu is smiling when they get back to their room, probably because she thinks love is sweet. Hamid would find it more sweet if it wasn’t both his older sisters and frankly just gross. He did not come here to watch them kiss other people honestly!

“Was not expecting this to be such a makeout heavy holiday.” says Hamid, flopping down on the bed. 

“We’ve only been here what- half an hour?” Azu says, her voice light. “They won’t spend the entire time, you know, kissing.” 

“What if they doooooo? Azuuuuuuuuu!” Hamid laments, in a way that he knows is slightly over dramatic, but he can’t help it. “I should have brought someone to date!” 

“Hey!” says Azu, but she knows he doesn’t mean it. 

They all go out and get supper from the chippy later, and pretend that Hamid and Azu didn’t just walk in on them all, and despite Hamid’s over dramatics it is fun. Ollie and Aziza leave early so Ollie can take his binder off (and everyone pretends that that is all he’s going to take off), and so the rest of them decide to go for a walk along the beach. 

Watching the sunset is beautiful enough that Hamid manages not to comment on Lauren and Saira holding hands (“it’s cute, Hamid” “But it’s not, Azu”) and again Hamid thinks about how much Zolf would like it here, next to the sea. Sasha probably would enjoy it as well, although there weren’t many corners for her to lurk in, or places for her to appear from. 

God he really loves his friends. 

The rest of the summer holidays pass far to fast after that, Saira getting excellent A levels, Saleh’s weekly phone calls from rehab, and then all of a sudden Hamid is packing his bag the night before school, pretending not to listen to his parents as they complain in arabic about him and his sisters, and how wild they’ve all become. At least school will mean a refuge from this. 

**Zolf**

After all the drama of the last few years of school, Zolf is hoping that the last year of GCSEs will at least be simple. He hopes, but he has absolutely no expectations, especially seeing as he still hasn’t made up with Hamid yet. Azu seems to think they’re going to end up boyfriends at the end of it all, but Zolf can’t picture it, and honestly he has no idea if they can even be friends at the end of this. 

He’s pulled out of his back to school thoughts though, when he crashes into the most extraordinary person he’s ever seen in his life. 

“Hey,” says the person, with an accent Zolf can’t place, “I’m Cel, my pronouns are they and them.” 

“Hi.” says Zolf, blushing awkwardly, “I’m sorry for bumping into you Cel, I uhh- I like your hair.” 

They do indeed have excellent hair, it sticks up in a way that cannot take any less time than an hour to perfect, and is bright white. Cel grins at the compliment.

“What’s your name then, buddy?” They ask, and Zolf blushes again. 

“Shit sorry, I didn’t tell you? I’m Zolf.” 

He isn’t sure what to say next, but fortunately Cel does not have that problem as they proceed to talk Zolf’s ear off about all the different countries they’ve been to school in, and how they’re staying here for GCSE’s, and how they’re worried about making new friends. 

Zolf has never met anyone at all like Cel, and immediately offers to be their friend. 

He has never actually made a friend so fast in his life, and Cel is funny and friendly, and doesn’t mind when Zolf isn’t completely sure what to say. They have no filter, and Zolf finds himself relaxing in their company. 

He’s feeling pretty proud of himself for making a new friend, unil he introduces Cel to Azu, and he could swear he sees sparks fly. 

Zolf knows it’s because he reads too many romance novels that he sees this, but the way Cel introduces themself, to the way Azu beams, suggests that they might be spending a lot of time together soon. He turns to raise an eyebrow at Hamid, as if to say “Look at this,” but Hamid doesn’t catch his eye. 

Zolf isn’t sure what he expected- he hasn’t been properly friends with Hamid for ages, but it still hurts. It’s unfair of him to be upset by this, he can’t just not be Hamid’s friend and expect Hamid to be his, but still. 

He raises an eyebrow at Sasha instead, who squints at him like she has no idea what he means. Zolf gently tips his head towards Azu and Cel, and Sasha scrunches up her face as if to say “what.” 

Zolf gives her a fond smile, before turning back to the conversation. He can explain his thoughts to Sasha and Hamid later.

In the end he doesn’t get a chance, they all get put in different sets and don’t have a lot of time to talk, and at the end of the day Zolf is beginning to wonder if maybe he imagined it. He does read an awful lot of romance novels. Plus it’s rude to speculate on your friends. 

He keeps this last point in mind over the next few weeks, chants it to himself whenever he sees Cel lean in close to Azu when they laugh, or whenever Azu’s hand disappears under the table presumably to rest on Cel’s knee. It looks like flirting, but what does Zolf know? He’s barely figured out that he likes all genders. 

If he was Hamid perhaps he would just know, but Hamid is so caught up in his family stuff he doesn’t have time to focus on whether or not his friends are falling in love. Zolf still isn’t sure whether or not he and Hamid are back to how they were, but he still wants to be there for Hamid anyway. 

If he was less awkward he would show up at Hamid’s house and try and gossip about Cel and Azu, Hamid loves a bit of gossip. But Zolf is too awkward and he doesn’t want to gossip about his friends, which is why he ends up sending Hamid another awkward text. 

“hope things get better.”

Later, just as Zolf is getting into bed, Hamid replies “I think I might move in with Aziza. Don’t tell anyone?” 

Zolf was not expecting that level of trust. He wasn’t expecting Hamid to reply at all honestly, or maybe just with a heart emoji. He isn’t sure how to talk to Hamid about this- surely he would prefer to talk to Azu? But no, Hamid texted Zolf and Zolf is going to be there for him. 

“do you want to talk about it” he sends back. For what feels like an eternity Zolf can see the bubble that shows Hamid is typing. Even though there isn’t a particular answer he’s hoping for, Zolf finds himself nervous.

“Can I call you?” Hamid sends at last, and then rings him without waiting for an answer. Zolf picks up without thinking. 

“Hey,” he says, his voice soft. “You’re going to leave your parents?”

“I-” Hamid’s voice sounds thick, as though he’s been crying. “I don’t want to live with them anymore Zolf but I-” he sniffs, and even though Zolf isn’t always a hugger he wishes he could hug Hamid then. It wouldn’t fix anything, but it might make Hamid feel less like crying. 

“Zolf I want to leave but I worry about money and- oh Zolf!”

For the rest of the night Zolf whispers soothing noises down the phone, and Hamid attempts to sort his feelings out and cry. It’s not something that these new versions of Hamid and Zolf, the versions that for the last few years haven’t really spoken to each other, would do, and when Zolf wakes up the next morning he wonders if he dreamt it. 

But then at school Hamid gives him a soft smile, as if to say thank you, and something has definitely shifted between them.

**Hamid**

Hamid looks at the bag he’s had packed for weeks, at all the stuff he wants to take with him, at all the stuff he thinks he’ll need in his new life, and then text’s Aziza, “I’m ready”. 

He hasn’t told his parents he wants to leave yet, he doesn’t know how, but he can’t stay. He doesn’t think he can stay in that house much longer, around people who obviously don’t care about him or his well being, when he has the option of living with someone who does. 

He picks up his bag and goes downstairs, to see his mother sitting in the kitchen. 

“Hamid.” she says flatly. “Going somewhere?”

“Mother I-” he begins, unsure of how to continue, “Mother I want to live with Aziza.”

She shakes her head at him. “I think you’re making a mistake Hamid. I think you’ll regret this- Aziza cannot pay for the life you’re accustomed to, she cannot provide what we can.”

Hamid says nothing. 

“I won’t stop you, if it's what you want. I won’t make you stay. But think for a bit Hamid- is being poor really what you want?”

It is. Hamid is sure. But he feels rooted to the spot under her gaze, and his old urge to not disappoint her is there, living under his skin and in the dark corners of his mind. He isn’t sure if he would have continued if not for Saira. 

“Mother. I’m leaving too.” 

Their mother looks angry at that, but before she can yell something about them bringing shame on the family, Saira is dragging Hamid out of the door, and down the drive to wait for Aziza. 

“It's going to be ok,” says Saira, more to herself than to Hamid. “It’s all going to be ok.”

She’s nervous, Hamid realises, but holds it together for his sake. He squeezes her hand tight. “We can do this.” He says, really hoping they can. We can do this. 

Aziza picks them up, and takes them to her apartment. They’ve barely got in the door when both Saira and Hamid get texts from their parents that simply say “Goodbye. You have the choice to return.”

It’s so scripted and horrible, that Hamid starts crying, then Saira, then Aziza. They hug each other in a way they haven’t in years, in a way that makes Hamid miss Saleh and the twins more. But Hamid knows it's going to be ok now, because his sisters’ have their arms around him, and his sisters’ aren’t going to let anything happen to him. This isn’t what Hamid dreamed of, but in some ways it's better.


	9. nine

**Zolf**

Since that late night phone call, and Hamid moving in with his older sister the next day, Zolf has been attempting to be friends with Hamid again. It’s not perfect, especially as Zolf isn’t sure if he still fancies Hamid or not, but it’s a start.

For example, Zolf will like Hamid’s posts on instagram. Ever since he moved in with Aziza, Hamid has started wearing eyeliner again, and posting far more selfies. He looks good, but Zolf can’t tell if it’s just normal Hamid looks pretty, or crush feelings. Next time Zolf gets a crush, he vows that it will be on someone ugly.

Crushes are on his mind as well, because the school dance is coming up, and as much as he will complain about going, he does want to go and have fun with his friends. He hadn’t even been worried about getting a date until everyone in his maths class was talking about it, and suddenly Zolf wondered if he should ask someone. 

There wasn’t really anyone he had his eye on- except possibly Hamid and that ship had sailed, but maybe asking someone else out would make him feel better. He glanced around his maths class for options, as if someone for him to crush on would appear in front of him. 

No one did. The problem with feelings was they only showed up when it was inconvenient, and if there was a dance coming up that Zolf might want to bring a date to, they abandoned him. 

He rolled his eyes, to himself he didn’t have any friends in maths, and turned back to his sums. He could always go with Sasha if he needed a date- she was probably his best friend after all. 

**Hamid**

“The dance is coming up?” says Hamid, looking over at where Cel and Azu are cuddling on the bed. He would join them if he wasn’t so lazy, but the floor here is comfy. “Azu do you want to be my date? I know we said we’d all go as friends but we’re the best dressed people in the school so it would look-”

“Hamid,” Azu gives him the tiniest shake of her head, and Hamid looks up from where he’s sprawled across the floor. “I’m going with Cel.” 

For a moment, Hamid is shocked. He had suggested he and Azu go to the dance together as friends, and was expecting that to be a given- and the fact that it's not is something he at first can’t understand. 

Then he realises. 

Being in love is something that is so personal and all encompassing that Hamid forgot other people could feel it as well. Azu is holding Cel’s hand and the two of them have been cuddling for half an hour, Azu looking at Cel with such a soft expression. Cel smiles, and they’re blushing, and Hamid wonders how he never noticed. 

“Azu makes me happy.” says Cel, and it's such an innocent, simple expression, but Hamid understands what they mean. 

“I’m happy for you two.” he says- and he is. If anyone deserves happiness it's Azu and Cel. Azu deserves only the best things, so it is fitting that she and Cel are together. “I’m sorry I- I didn’t realise.” 

“It's fine.” Azu says, gently placing a kiss on top of Cel’s head. 

“We didn’t exactly want to tell everyone immediately, but-” Cel cuts off, and just smiles dopily at Azu. “We do want to go to the dance together.” 

Hamid nods. “Yeah no I get that I, I get that completely and I mean if I had a partner I’d also want to go with them- not that I do but- I’m happy for you.” He wants Azu to know he means it, and he’s trying to give her a meaningful look, but she’s too busy looking at Cel. 

“We can all go together, as friends?” says Cel, not tearing their eyes away from Azu. 

“Yeah.” says Hamid, getting up to go. He loves his friends he really does, but this is too much romance in one room, and how did he not notice before!  
“Azu and Cel??? Dating???” he texts to Zolf and Sasha. Within a moment he gets “gross but good for them” from Sasha and “tell them congratulations” from Zolf. 

That is a good point, so Hamid pokes his head around the door and says, “Congratulations by the way, and Zolf sends his too.” Azu gives him a grin, and Cel a thumbs up, and Hamid heads off. His friends being together is gross and icky, but them being happy is something that completely makes up for it. 

********

That night, they get their phone call from Saleh. Aziza goes first, telling Saleh about her band and about her boyfriend and about the cute girl she met at work who she’s thinking about asking out. They conveniently skip over discussing Aziza’s work, as bartending isn’t the most friendly subject for a recovering alcoholic. Aziza runs a hand through the side of her head she shaved, which is growing out slightly, and smiles. It’s a tight smile, the sort Hamid is beginning to recognise as the smile she does when she’s happy, but not relaxed enough to let herself enjoy the feeling. 

He thinks, not for the first time, about how incredible his older sister is, and how much she is doing for them. He got new shoes the other day, cheaper ones than he was used to but Aziza still made sure to get ones that didn’t rub. Saira has started working to give herself a bit of money for university, and Aziza attempted to cook her a congratulatory meal when she got a job as an accounting assistant (they ended up ordering take away, but Aziza did her best). 

It isn’t perfect, Aziza wakes them all up at the crack of dawn with her vocal warm ups (except Saira who snores and somehow is immune to the sound of scales being rolled around in a well trained but very loud voice), and then always leaves the milk next to the kettle so it warms up and has to be thrown out. Saira tries to make supper for them, as the only one who can cook, but has been experimenting with Egyptian dishes recently- except she can’t get ahold of many ingredients because of the price so she uses cheap substitutes that make Hamid half wish he just ate the terrible knock of “African Food” that a shop in town has started selling.

On Hamid’s turn for the phone Saleh asks him about his GCSEs, and the dance that's coming up, and normal fifth form questions. He sounds genuinely interested, like he enjoys hearing about how Hamid did well in his French speaking- which is maybe what gives Hamid the nerve to ask if Saleh thinks he’ll come and live with them. 

Hamid knows he’s still in rehab, and will be for some time, but the idea of having another sibling around him is incredibly appealing. Saleh doesn’t say anything at first, and even though Hamid knows Saleh doesn’t have many options he still feels nervous. Then, “Hope you’re prepared to run out of hot water in the mornings?” and Hamid can’t help but feel a small smile spread over his face.


	10. ten

**Hamid**

They all get ready together, at Zolf’s house, Cel attempting to get to know Feryn as he cooks them a light pre-dance meal (even though they have what seems like an unnecessary amount of clothes to put on). Then, because he’s the best at it, Hamid does everyone’s makeup (even Sasha lets him give her some eyeliner after promising it makes her look fierce) and although being that close do Zolf’s face is a little awkward, Hamid gives him some beautiful blue eyeshadow that makes his eyes look softer, and covers up the worst of his spots. 

They all pretend not to notice the smear of blue lipstick on Azu’s cheek that was almost definitely left by Cel. Then they all pretend not to notice Azu and Cel’s intertwined hands, or how unnecessarily close they’re sitting. Having friends who are dating each other is awkward and gross, but at least Azu and Cel aren’t too awkward and gross about it. 

They all also pretend not to notice Sasha and Zolf giving each other disgusted looks everytime Cel and Azu do something cute. Which is, even for one of Zolf’s ridiculously mushy books, quite a lot. Hamid privately notes that if this was a book Zolf would be raving about it, not rolling his eyes at Sasha, but Hamid keeps such observations to himself. 

By the time they’re all ready, Cel is wearing far too many colours but somehow rocking it, Azu a vision in pink, and Hamid in his most tasteful green and purple outfit. Even Sasha has made an effort, in a black suit and hat that makes her look mysterious, and a tiny bit like a gangster, which Hamid suspects she’s pleased with. Zolf, despite complaining the entire time, looks good as well. Hamid isn’t into him anymore of course, but he can admit that his friend brushes up well when he can be bothered. 

They take hundreds of selfies, because they all look beautiful and you don’t have a winter ball everyday, and then rush downstairs to get in the car. 

**Zolf**

Feryn drives them all to the dance, and even though everything is not fixed between Hamid and Zolf, it's nice. Everyone is sitting on everyone else, Feryn’s terrible music is playing, and Zolf is happy. Yeah, it’s not a limo, and yeah they’re drinking cheap cider not champagne, but cider tastes nicer and the feeling of his friends pressed around him and laughing is something he wouldn’t trade for anything. 

Cel (who is sitting on Azu’s lap), has sprayed their spiky hair with glitter as well as hairspray, and already everyone else in the car is vaguely glittery, except Sasha, sitting almost invisibly beside him, who is apparently a glitter repellant (not cat hair repellant though, Sasha is not immune to Dandelion). Even Hamid, who does his best to stay smart, has smudges of glitter on him, and Zolf likes the way it makes him seem more human. 

They sing along badly to Feryn’s terrible music, even though only Zolf really knows the words and no one can carry a tune- there's a lot of very loud “la la la-ing” and Hamid trying and failing to harmonise and Sasha guessing what the words might be. It’s the sort of scene Zolf sees in his romance novels, and now, finally, it's his. 

The gym hall is decorated with glittery streamers and two long tables are pushed against one side with paper cups and big bottles of lemonade. The lines of the netball courts and basketball courts and tennis courts are still visible, but the colourful lighting that's been rigged up and the dj (sixth former in the corner with a laptop connected to the speakers) make it seem almost magical. 

Under the lights, Cel’s suit suddenly lights up with far too many fluorescent colours, but somehow on them it looks good. They take Azu’s hand and lead her off onto the dance floor, and then Hamid turns to dance with a cute girl in his french class, and then Zolf and Sasha are left alone shuffling over to the drinks table. 

Sasha looks over at him, eyes serious. “You know, I thought that I might like, fancy you a bit, Zolf but, I mean, that feels ridiculous now.” 

Zolf says nothing. 

“I mean,” Sasha continues, looking down at her drink, “I never really, or like ever, got crushes so I tried to convince myself that maybe my feelings for you was what that meant but.” Sasha pauses, and chews her lower lip. “You know how you’re asexual. I think I’m that, but with romance as well- and maybe that will change I’m sure people will tell me that will change but I just, I just don’t…” She took a deep breath, and turned back to Zolf. “I have you. I have Brock. I have Grizzop. I have Azu and I have Hamid and maybe even Cel. I have, I’m so lucky to have so many people and I guess, I’m glad I’m not mucking that up with romance- oh sorry-” Sasha looked awkwardly at him, as though mentioning how he and Hamid had fucked up their friendship was a cardinal sin. 

“It’s fine, and Sasha;” he pauses, trying to find the right words. “Do you want to dance with me?” 

Those aren’t really the right words, but Sasha gets it. One of his favourite songs is playing, they flail to it, Zolf a little stiff with only one leg, and Sasha effortlessly fluid but with no sense for the music. Brock joins them, and he is actually a good dancer, he manages to make the robot look cool. They dance together until the end of the song, before Zolf spots Hamid sitting alone, and against his better judgement heads over. 

“Hey,” he says, offering Hamid a hand. 

“Oh, hello.” Hamid says, taking it. 

“I uhh, I saw you were sitting alone and well, you want to dance?” 

**Hamid**

Zolf’s hand is warm and comforting, but holding it doesn’t give Hamid the thrill it would’ve a year ago. Hamid gives it a gentle squeeze, and stands up. “I’d love to dance with you Zolf, I think we have a lot to, a lot to talk about and-”

Zolf cuts him off. “Yeah. We do. But now I just want to dance with my friend.”

At the word friend Hamid breaks into a smile, “Yeah, friends.” he says. The dj still hasn’t put on the Mika song he asked for, and his suit is a little tight because Saleh was smaller at this age, but Hamid doesn’t mind. 

Not everything has to be perfect, and maybe nothing in his life ever will be. But somehow, dancing with Zolf to this terrible music Zolf probably asked for, is pretty close. Hamid isn’t sure what comes next, a thought that might have once terrified him- now however he just enjoys the moment, because sometimes that's enough.


End file.
